Sorry it has been a while. I have been going through the seven stages of grief over the end of The Walking Dead. I have exited the "Depression" stage and now and entering the "Acceptance and Hope" stage. The fact that Game of Thrones begins Sunday is helping a lot with my grief. Also helping me is the beautiful Ingrid Pitt, my number one girl crush and star of Hammer's 1971 film Countess Dracula.
Inspired by the legendary Elizabeth Bathory (the original "Woman behaving Badly") Countess Dracula tells the story of Elisabeth Nadasdy, a 17th century Hungarian Noblewoman who has recently lost her husband. And her looks.
That is of little importance as she has been carrying on an affair with her Stewart Captain Dobi.
My God isn't he creepy!?! Dobi (played by Nigel Green) is Elisabeth's lackey, and will do anything for a sweet, sweet piece of old Ingrid Pitt. Everything is going well until Elisabeth gets a load of Lt. Imre Toth, a hot young soldier who was the son of her husband's best friend. From this point on Lt. Toth, played by Sandor Eles, is my movie boyfriend. He is tall and strange looking and has a weird nose, all traits I find very attractive.
So it bugged me because Sandor Eles looks so familiar. IMDB was not a help. I think he looks like a mix of Paul Rudd, Trend Reznor, Owen Wilson, and the dude from Gladiator with a scar on his face. Anyway, he is young and horny and flirts with the old Elisabeth. When Elisabeth "accidentally" cuts one of her female servants (she's kind of a bitch) she realizes that the young girls blood can make her look young again.
She kills the young girl and quickly seduces young Toth, who believes her to be Elisabeth's daughter, Ilona. Ilona has been away at convent school or some other such shit for years, so the whole town believes that the new young Elisabeth is Ilona. The messed up thing is that Elisabeth arraigned to have the real Ilona kidnapped so as not to expose her. The real Ilona is played by Lesley-Anne Down, my new second girl crush.
So she looks like a mix of Patsy Kinset and Alicia Silverstone. I had to IMBD her as well just to make sure she wasn't Patsy's mother. Lesley-Anne Down starred in American soap operas for years which makes sense, because Countess Dracula is like one long soap opera.
Elisabeth soon discovers that if she does not keep killing virgins and "loofa-ing" in their blood she will turn old again, and young Toth will not be interested. She enlists the help of Dobi, and eventually Toth learns her horrible, horrible secret (it sucks when you walk in on your lover bathing in virgin blood.) Elisabeth blackmails Toth into marrying her (soap opera!) but the luckily the real Ilona arrives in time to throw a wrench into the whole wicked plan. Here is what is really messed up: Elisabeth tries to kill Ilona!!! What a bitch.
Countess Dracula has everything you could want in a Hammer film: blood, boobs, castles, and Ingrid Pitt. Actually, the boobage is kept to a minimum, which is surprising given the subject matter. I liked this film because I had a crush on everyone in it (except for Dobi) and it was based on historical "fact." Yes, I am cracking up at that as well. Ingrid Pitt is so charismatic I could watch her shill for toilet paper and be pretty happy.