Resident Evil 5: Yes, another one.

 

I have mentioned before, in this very space, that I have a deep, abiding love for the Resident Evil films.  I don't know if it is the fact that I like watching hot chicks kick ass, or I am a fan of horrible CGI, or that I love movie franchises that make less and less sense over time, but I love these films!  Resident Evil: Retribution is like that awesome 10 year class reunion that I never had (I actually went to my 10 year reunion and it was so awful I actually left the reunion early, hit the local biker dive bar with the two class rednecks, threw up at the bar in my napkin, and then nearly got arrested by going back the reunion to tell everyone how nothing had changed and I still thought they were all assholes.  Part of this memory is true.)

Back to the film.  Plot: Schmot.  Who cares!  All of your favorite characters are back: Alice, Jill Valentine, Rain, the dude from The Mummy, the guy who got lazered into a million pieces.  There are a lot of cool fight scenes and zombies and CGI monsters and everyone gets killed.  Like twice.

Lets talk fashion.  Ada Wong, apparently a popular character from the video games (obviously I am not a gamer) shows up to rescue Alice in this hot red dress.

Alice, who barely survived the the boat business from the last film, still manages to find a kick ass leather suit with lots of buckles.  And don't get me started on Jill.  If I had that body that is what I would go for as Halloween, complete with bad bleach job.

There is a bunch of new characters but they are all awful.  Michelle Rodriguez returns as Rain, and this might be her best performance yet.  That is not saying a lot.

Of course there will be another one.  This franchise might go on longer than Saw.  That is alright with me, as long as they keep the crappy CGI and I must insist: the next film should not make any sense whatsoever!!!  Paul Andersen (the lesser), you were really close with this one.  It is high surrealist art.  Don't hold back next time!