Sunday, February 10, 2013

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

There's a legend 'round here. A killer buried, but not dead. A curse on Crystal Lake. A death curse. Jason Voorhees's curse. They say he died as a boy, but he keeps coming back. Few have seen him and lived. Some have even tried to stop him. No one can. People forget he's down there... waiting.
OK.  Friday the 13th Part VII- The New Blood is NOT part of my Rue Morgue 200 list.  It was playing on IFC and I couldn't resist.  This is a pretty awful chapter of the Jason "Oeuvre", but it does have three things going for it.  One: awesome 80's fashions.  Two: Kane Hodder's first appearance as the masked wonder.  Three: the sleeping bag death.  More on that in a minute.

When we last saw Jason he was tied to a rock and thrown in the lake Mob style.  Since it is clear that Jason is some sort of immortal being he is just biding his time.  A little girl named Tina, who happends to live in a house on Crystal Lake, overhears her father beating her mother.  She goes crazy and takes a boat out onto the lake in order to escape her family.  Her father runs after her, and little Tina goes all Carrie on him.  Yes, Tina has Telekinetic powers, and she kills her father that night.  Cut to a few years later.  Young Tina (played by Lar Park Lincoln, so cute I wanted to punch her) has returned to Crystal Lake with her Mullet loving mother and Dr. Crews (Terry Kiser), a shrink that is trying to "cure" Tina.  If this sounds like a bad idea trust me: it is.

In case you thought there would be no horny teenagers never fear!!  The house next door is being rented by a bunch of assholes.  One of them, Nick (Kevin Blair: so cute in a Superman sort of way) takes a liking to Tina.  Since they are both assholes this relationship will probably work out nicely.

During one of Tina's "Freak Outs" she raises Jason from his watery grave.  God this is stupid.  Let the killing begin!!!

80's Fashion!!!!!!!!!!

And everyone gets killed, usually right before or right after sex.  Some brilliant Doctor ought to do a study on the effect these films had on the sexual health of, say, people my age.  I mean, I am fine.  Yes, I usually am holding on to a hatchet the entire time and can only do it on the floor so the bad guy hiding under the bed can't stake us throught the belly, but that's normal, right?

Anyway, lots of people get killed and my favorite: MY FAVORITE kill of all time is the sleeping bag death.  I have seen the uncut version of this and it is so brutal.  IFC would only show one swing but that would probably do it. 

And after writing that sentence I kind of worry about my mental health.  Friday the 13th will do that to you, bless it's heart.

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