Monday, January 20, 2014

Flowers in the Attic 2014

Yes, I could be writing about the Carrie remake I saw a couple of days ago (waste of time) or how I think Her is a horror film ( I might come back to that actually) but what I really, really want to write about is Lifetime's adaptation of Flowers in the Attic.   Why you ask?  Because I am 39 year old woman and any woman my age worth her salt read Flowers in the Attic.  In fact, it was the first "dirty" book most women ever read.  Which explains a lot.

Written in 1979 by oddball V.C. Andrews (look her up), Flowers in the Attic became a mass market paperback hit and spawned a series of sequels.  V.C. Andrews followed up with another saga, The Casteel Series, but she died before she could complete it.  Here is where things get interesting.  Another author, Andrew Neiderman, completed the series and to this day writes as V.C. Andrews.  I know, right! 

Flowers remains the best and most popular book under the Andrews name.  It was made into a film in 1987 starring Buffy and Steve Martin's ex-wife.  That film was not very good.  I mean, I own it and love it, but it was not very good.  Why?  NO INCEST!!!  That is what everyone wanted to see!  I guess they included that very important subplot and then cut it out because it didn't test well with audiences.  Please God, if you exist, show your kindness by releasing a Director's cut of this!  Are you there God? Its me, Zombies are Magic.  No?  Whatever.

When Lifetime announced the adaptation they said they would closely follow the book.  That meant more child abuse, rape, general grossness, and everything that made the book so great.  Well, I raced home after work on Sunday, kicked my husband out, poured a bottle of white wine, and settled in.  The verdict.....

The verdict is: Heather Graham is a really, really bad actress.  You know, I liked her in Boogie Nights and The Hangover.  I thought she had at least basic acting skills.  Maybe she was going ultra method or something.  I mean, Corrine is supposed to be a vapid, soulless woman.  But vapid "suggests" a personality, and there is none on display here.

As for the other stuff.  Yes, Cathy and Christopher get it on, but it looks like a scene from the most recent piece of shit YA film that came out.  In the book it is rape--devastating horrible rape and in this film they actually engage in Pillow Talk afterwards!  Nice way to be edgy Lifetime.  Ellen Burstyn is not as scary as Louise Fletcher, and although Kiernan Shipka can act circles around Kristy Swanson, I just don't buy her as Cathy. 

Here are a few things the films have in common: The bad wigs and the totally forgettable Christopher's (sorry guys.)  Oh, plus I actively root for the twins to die because they are so annoying (spoiler alert: half of my wish is fulfilled).

 All in all I enjoyed this, and now I can say I watched a Lifetime film.  With this and Lizzie Borden next week, Lifetime might become my favorite channel.  Shit, I really am middle aged!  Yeah!!!

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