Zombies are Magic!

Monday, August 5, 2013

100 Ghosts: A Gallery of Harmless Haunts, or how I stopped worrying and learned to love the ghost of the old woman who haunts my bedroom.

I have not written in a long time, and for once I have an excuse! (An excuse better than laziness or severe depression because I have don't have time to see The Conjuring yet I made time to see World War Z. What the fuck is wrong with me??). You see, I am a new mother!

Not of an actual human baby, don't worry. Another kind of demon spawn: a puppy!! Roscoe is his name-o, and he is 4 months old. He likes to eat cat shit and then kiss you on the face. He is pretty awesome, if a little barky. I mean, this son-of-a-bitch (that would be me) barks at EVERYTHING. And he especially loves to bark at night when we put him in his puppy crate. I would bark too if I was confined to a crate every night. Of course, I don't eat cat shit and hump everything in sight, so it is not really my problem. I usually don't write such personal stuff on this blog, as a good friend once pointed out (your blog is so "detached"), but I have a reason to share this stuff. See, Roscoe, through his barking and humping, has summoned the old lady ghost that haunts my bedroom. Little back story: we only got our kick-ass cheap Palo Alto apartment because the old lady that lived in it died, and my husband works for the owner of the apartment building. Unfortunately, she did not die IN THE APARTMENT (that would have been killer), but I believe she haunts it. Joanna (was her name-o) was, as far as I can tell and the mail we still get for her tells me, a very Liberal woman who donated to a bunch of charities and loved Opera. Nothing wrong with that, except I always feel a disapproving gaze on me when I come home with 6 Target bags filled with junk and crank up Nine Inch Nails. She is there, and she thinks I am disgusting. It's OK, I can live with that: my cat thinks I am disgusting as well.

So shortly after we got Roscoe, and he was particularly barky, Joanna made herself known. We had just turned out the light, and my husband, as is his way, had fallen immediately asleep. I laid there pondering the deep questions of the universe, such as: What is going to happen to Honey Boo Boo when she grows up? and What happened to that guy that was on Little House on the Prairie and then in that shitty Wes Craven movie with the original Buffy?. Roscoe was barking up a shit storm. That is when I heard it: a soft, old lady voice saying: Be Quiet. Yappy dog shut the hell right up and I said "Thank you Joanna. Thank you. I promise I will donate to the Sierra Club."

Which brings me to my review of 100 Ghosts: A gallery of Harmless Haunts by Doogie Horner. That can't be a real name, can it? This itty bitty coffee table book is an adorable collection of different kinds of ghosts that can haunt your home.

None are like Joanna, but they are just as charming. Doogie Horner is a stand up comedian and, I assume, amateur ghost hunter. He is very skilled in identifying ghosts such as this one:

After reading 100 Ghosts I left it on my bed and Roscoe promptly ate it. We both found it delicious. If you need help identifying the ghost in your life, I recommend you pick up this tome.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Maniac 2013

Maniac, directed by Franck Khalfoun, co-written by Alexander Aja, and starring Elijah Wood as mannequin loving Frank Zito, proves many things I long suspected to be true. Number One: a great, grimy horror movie can really improve my mood. Two: Elijah Wood is hot in a way I sometimes think is inappropriate, AND he is creepy in a way I just can’t explain.

Three: the worst part of a scalping is the sound. Horrible!

And finally, and perhaps most importantly, number four: Men who wear turtlenecks are probably serial killers and are, at the very least, not to be trusted.

OK, now that I have all that off my chest, let me just say THANK YOU MANIAC!!! I was in such a horror movie funk and you, you precocious crazy gory movie, pulled me out of it. Where do I begin with how wonderful this film is? Let’s start with Elijah Wood. When I heard he was making this film I thought “Well, that’s weird casting.” If you are familiar with the 1980 original, you will know that Wood is no Joe Spinell. (Full Disclosure: I have never seen the original, but I am familiar with it. Definitely going to see it now.)

God, another turtleneck. Frank has some serious issues, I mean, besides his fondness for turtlenecks. His Mother was a either a prostitute or very loose woman, and young Frank caught her in numerous compromising conditions. This gave Frank some serious Mommy issues, which he could only resolve by killing young women and using their scalps to "bring alive" the mannequins in his shop. Everything is going along fine and crazy until Frank meets Anna, a beautiful young photographer who is also obsessed with mannequins.

His relationship with Anna makes Frank's already fragile world begin to fall apart. Despite being all over the posters and the stills from the film, Elijah Wood is hardly in the movie. It is shot POV style, with the audience seeing everything through Frank's eyes. We only see Frank in reflections, or the one or two times that the POV is broken. I was worried this would be a distraction but it is an interesting feature of this film. It made me think back to my Art History training and all the talk of the "Male Gaze." Maniac is the male gaze taken to the extreme. This might be a turn off for those who are sensitive, but really: if you are sensitive you probably should not be watching a film called Maniac.

Back to Elijah Wood. He is creepy as hell. Those eyes! Those turtlenecks! You can see why Anna might want to associate herself with him, and you can also see why she would want to run the hell in the other direction. The film has a great look: not New York slimy but LA slimy-- kind of like the film Drive. The best part of the film is without a doubt the score. "Rob" is the composer and he or she has created a great techno spooky score that is reminiscent of the work of "Goblin." It adds a lot to the film, especially in terms of suspense and overall dread.

OK, that is like the third turtleneck he wears in the film. AND he is wearing a jacket with elbow patches. Almost as creepy as a turtleneck. Run Anna Run!!!