Sunday, March 6, 2011

Splice (no sequel required)

I dislike Splice with the same intensity that I disliked Grace.  Maybe I have some Mommy issues, I don't know.  Splice was just no fun for me.  Therefore, it has taken me a few weeks to write about it.  Not because the film was so profound that I couldn't get my head wrapped around it, but because it took that long for my stomach to quit turning.  Splice is not gory or horrifying, nor is it particularly entertaining.  It is like a V.C. Andrews novel gone horribly, horribly wrong.  And if you have ever read V.C. Andrews you know that is quite the achievement.  Splice is "icky."  That is my professional opinion. 

On the surface Splice has a lot going for it, not the least of which is Sarah Polley, one of my favorite horror chicks, in the lead.  No, she is not "Splice."  She is "Splice's Mommy." Let's backtrack.  The film Splice pays homage to Frankenstein, both the novel and the many films.  Two Scientists, in this case "Genetic Engineers," create a creature from scratch.  Of course they have the best intentions, but really they have an overwhelming "God Complex."  Basically, they are assholes.  Anyway, our Scientists are named Clive and Elsa (after Colin Clive, my old-timey movie boyfriend, and Elsa Lanchester, the original Doc and Bride). 

Clive and Elsa are brilliant but totally un-interesting nerds.  Even their sex scene is a snooze-fest.  So already, we don't give a shit what happens to either of them.  But they create this "creature" with the hope of solving all of humankind's health problems.  They "Splice" human female DNA (spoiler: it's Elsa's DNA.  That is not really a spoiler: you could see it coming from a mile a way.) with animal DNA.  We are never told what animal but taking into consideration what this thing turns out to be, it must have been bird/lizard/cat/ostrich/lemur monkey/scorpion DNA.  Any why wouldn't you mix all of things together?  Really.  There may have been a bit of Dinosaur DNA in there as well.  Why not?

So this creature, whom Clive and Elsa name Dren (Nerd spelled backwards) is bald and hot and has wings.  Of course Clive wants to fuck her.  This is where the movie gets weird.  I have always been a bit wary of Adrien Brody (Clive) so I can totally believe that he would want to have sex with a human/bird/cat/ostrich/lemur monkey/ scorpion hybrid.  He looks like that kind of guy.  Jesus, he made "Stella" commercials.  But would *Spoiler Alert* Sarah Polley want to keep her "I got raped by my daughter who changed sex all of a sudden and grew a penis" baby?  I think not!!  I should have known this was all going to turn to shit when I saw it was a "Canadian-French Sci-Fi Horror Film" NOT directed by Cronenberg. 

Don't make a fucking sequel.  Really, we can live without.  If you want to see this done better, check out ANY version of Frankenstein, including Warhol's version and the one playing on Cinemax at 11:30 PM. 

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