Exorcist 2: My God Richard Burton is bad in this!

 

"I am alive and not dead".  That was a blog I once belonged to.  It is now my mantra.  You see, my life has turned into a David Cronenberg film.  And that is not as awesome as it sounds.  For the moment, my particular body horrors have subsided, and I can return to what I truly love: watching crap horror!  I love good horror too, but nothing soothes my soul like a really, really bad horror film.  Ladies and Gentleman: I present you with Exorcist II: The Heretic!

I had never seen this gem but I heard how legendarily bad it is.  The reason I wanted to watch it is because I just finished a book called "Beautiful Ruins" by Jess Walter.  In the novel (non-horror: sometimes even I need a vacation), Richard Burton plays a small but crucial role.  In one passage, the heroine goes to see Burton in Exorcist II and comments on how drunk and bloated he is.  This, combined with the upcoming Liz & Dick on the Lifetime channel has me on a bit of a Burton tear.  I have been trying to watch Cleopatra but I can only get through about 10 minutes a day. 

I want to love Richard Burton because he was drunk and Welsh and ridiculous, but I can't get on board.  He reminds me of Gerard Butler who is drunk and Scottish and ridiculous and I also cannot get on board with him.  Like Burton, Butler is making a lot of bad movies.  He is going to really have to step up his game if he wants to reach the heights of this piece of crap.

I don't even know what is going on in this film.  Regan (Linda Blair) is now 16 and she looks a lot like Amanda Bynes (I can't wait to see Bynes play some famous, crazy starlet ala Lindsey Lohan as Liz Taylor when she sobers up for 10 minutes.)  Regan is understandably messed up after her experiences but she wears the best clothes!  Really, I couldn't find any images of her cute outfits but they really rock.  Her Shrink, played by Louise Fletcher, who always gives me the hebegebes, has pioneered some kind of "mind melt" method where she can enter peoples dreams or subconscious.  The whole thing is never really explained but anyone can do it, even Richard Burton, here playing Father Phillip Lamont, a priest and acolyte of Max von Sydow's Father Merrin.  The only thing I liked about this film, besides Blair's outfits and the general Burton bloat, was seeing von Sydow play a young Father Merrin.  Yes, I have a thing for Max von Sydow. 

Father Lamont has encountered a demon before, and believes that our old friend Pazuzu is still alive and kicking.  He wants to use Regan to find him and justify the work and death of Father Merrin.  Father Lamont might also be having a crisis of faith, since he seems to want to get it on with everyone from Regan to Louise Fletcher.  He also at one point wears a shirt that looks like it was stolen from the porno set next door.  Also, James Earl Jones shows up as an African Priest who once defeated Pazuzu.

I saw a non horror film today called The Master.  It is a very difficult film but worth the effort.  If I had to explain it to you here I might put a gun to my head.  That is how I feel explaining Exorcist II.  There is really nothing to recommend this film unless you are a:

1. Burton Completest
2. Fan of awesome 70's fashion
3. Have a crush on Max von Sydow
4. Have a crush on Louise Fletcher
5. Are Masochistic.

Really, make your life worth living.  Just watch The Exorcist again and skip this.  My gift to you. 

Exorcist III: Legion

I have never seen any of the Exorcist sequels until now (I did see the awful prequel from a few years ago.  Lets not talk about that.)  What I had heard is that The Exorcist II is downright awful but the William Peter Blatty directed Exorcist III is a worthy successor to the "scariest film ever made."  Well, I don't really agree with that.  I didn't hate The Exorcist III, but I didn't think it was all that great either.  Perhaps this is because I have never seen the stinker that is Exorcist II.  Nearly every review I have read of Exorcist III mentions it as a "true" sequel, unlike Part II.  So I will revisit this film after seeing Part II.  Wonderful.  I sometimes wonder what the people at Netflix must think of my queue.  I wonder if they go in and read them and think: "My God-this person has no life AND the worst taste in movies". 

The Exorcist III starts out well enough.  The spooky music, the Georgetown setting, the stairs- the stairs are shown over and over again- I loved it.  George C. Scott plays Lt. William F. Kinderman, the movie loving cop from the first film (replacing the deceased Lee J. Cobb.) Kinderman is still good friends with Father Dyer (Ed Flanders) and two get together every year to see a film on the anniversary of Father Damien's demise.  The best part about this film is the relationship between these two very different men.  It is the emotional center of the film.

A series of grisly, satanic murders is rocking Georgetown.  Kinderman thinks it may be the work of the "Gemini Killer", a madman who was executed 15 years prior (around the same time as the events in the first film.)  He has a hard time convincing anyone of this since the Gemini (played by the always awesome Brad Dourif) is clearly dead.  The other problem is that according to the fingerprints, the murders are being done by different people.  Sounds like a case of possession to me!

When the murderer begins to target Kinderman's family and friends, it becomes a race against time to uncover the mystery.  At the local hospital Kinderman is introduced to "Patient X," an unknown man that has been locked in the psych ward for 15 years.

Does he look kind of familiar?  It's Father Damien (Jason Miller!)  At this point things get really crazy in this film, and I was as confused as George C. Scott looks throughout the entire thing.  What begins as a pretty intriguing hunt for a serial killer turns into a strange possession/exorcism/body jumping finale that looks like it was thrown together at the last minute.  The film just didn't feel right, despite some great performances and good scares. 

Upon further research I found that the film I saw wasn't really William Peter Blatty's true vision.  Morgan Creek Productions, the same company that fucked up Nightbreed, insisted that Blatty re shoot some of the film so that there was an actual exorcism in it.  Blatty wanted to release the film as Legion, after his book, but Morgan Creek, looking to cash in, wanted it to feel more like a true sequel to The Exorcist.  Hence, the return of Jason Miller, the inclusion of Father Morning, an exorcist that shows up and has nothing to do with the other events in the film, and the strange ending. 

I would love to see Blatty's original film, but Morgan Creek claims that the original footage has been lost.  Conspiracy!!  The story behind the film was more interesting than the film itself!

What I really liked about the film was Blatty's little touches of weirdness throughout.  From the witty and sometimes strange dialog to the bizarre visual touches, watching this film is a bit like an Easter egg hunt.  If you watch it be on the lookout for Larry King, Samuel L. Jackson, and the Joker.  Seriously, its weird.  In a good way.