Contagion 2011

Two things you should know about Contagion, the new film by Steven Soderbergh.  One: it is NOT a horror film, despite what Soderbergh says.  It is more of a soulless, clinical look at what might happen if the Bird Flu went crazy and attacked a bunch of attractive people.  Number Two: Gwyneth Paltrow is in it. A lot.  You might think you are safe because you heard she dies in the beginning, but you are not.  Like a bad penny, she keeps showing up throughout the damn film.  Normally, I would not ever go see a Gwyneth Paltrow film.  Much like my well documented aversion to Mr. Shia LaBeouf, I have a similarly strong dislike of Gwyneth Paltrow.

  

Contagion stars Paltrow, Matt Damon, and Jude Law.  It is like The Talented Mr. Ripley only 100% less interesting.  Paltrow returns home from a business trip in Hong Kong with a cold.  A couple of days later she dies.  Then her son dies.  Then Matt Damon gets to act really upset about the whole thing.  Also, Paltrow was having an affair, a throw-a-way plot point that goes nowhere, much like the rest of this film.

Soon people are dying across the globe, and the CDC, played by Laurence Fishburne and Kate Winslet, jump into action to try to find a cure.  They are joined by Marion Cotillard as the World Health Organization, Jude Law as crazy bloggers, John Hawkes as the everyman, and a bunch of other famous people trying to look worried and/or sick.  If this sounds like a Towering Inferno type film then you are correct!  Soderbergh said he was going for that kind of vibe with the big name cast.  The only problem is that The Towering Inferno was funny/interesting/suspenseful, whereas Contagion looks like a documentary made by someone strung out on Valium.  It is that boring.

Every character is pretty annoying.  The only slightly interesting one was the crazy blogger played by Jude Law, but I only found him interesting because he wore dentures that made his teeth look really bad and I kept thinking that Jude Law uglies up really well.  The pace is off, we don't care about anyone, I was actually rooting for some people to die, and in the end it is all wrapped up with a neat little bow.  I am surprised Julia Roberts wasn't in this mess.  There are so many good epidemic/end of the world films out there: don't waste your time on this one.  It is not scary, it is not suspenseful, and it features a whole lot of Gwyneth Paltrow.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

The Call of Cthulhu 2005

Who knows the end? What has risen may sink, and what has sunk may rise. Loathsomeness waits and dreams in the deep, and decay spreads over the tottering cities of men.

H.P. Lovecraft "The Call of Cthulhu"

Damn I love H.P. Lovecraft! When I read his stories I always feel as if I am slipping into a fever dream.  I can't read too much at once, in case I wake up in the middle of the night chanting in some ancient, unknown language.  One of his most famous stories is The Call of Cthulhu, and understandably so.  I mean, who doesn't love Cthulhu?  Regarded by many as "unfilmable", this story, published in 1928, features the great and powerful Cthulhu in his first major appearance.  Director Andrew Leman and the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society decided the best way to film it was as if it was being made in 1928.  Hence we have a black and white silent film that looks like it could have been made by F.W. Murnau.

There are a few reasons that I really love this film.  I have always loved silent films.  I love the look, I love the history, I love that they forced you to use your imagination. Plus, they look so damn cool!  Another reason I love this film is that it is perfect for Lovecraft's story.  What he writes is almost too horrible to imagine, much less see on the big screen.  The simple special effects, the emphasis on atmosphere, and the other worldliness of silent cinema just seem to fit Lovecraft.  I don't want to see this CGI'd to death and starring Shia LaBeouf.  I want to be left unsettled.  This short film was unsettling, but in that warm and fuzzy good way that horror hounds love.

The Call of Cthulhu is on Netflix instant play (best invention EVER.)  Do yourself a favor and carve out 40 minutes to watch it.  Just be careful that you don't carve out your eyes afterwards.  Lovecraft does have a tendency to drive one insane.......



The Burning

 Where have you been all my life The Burning?  How could I grow up going to countless slumber parties and not see you once?  Heck, I hadn't even heard of you until you were mentioned in "HorrorHound" magazine.  This, despite starring such future Hollywood heavyweights such as Jason Alexander, Holly Hunter, and Fisher Stevens?  And really, why is Fisher Stevens?  Just asking.

The 1981 Slasher was one of the first films from "Miramax."  Yes, before producing such Oscar bait as The English Patient and The King's Speech (which I still can't believe beat The Social Network for best picture), the Brothers Weinstein were making cheapo Friday the 13th rip-offs.  The Burning begins when a Summer Camp prank goes horribly wrong.  Four teenagers decide to get even with mean old "Cropsy", the caretaker at the camp.  The prank goes pretty well until Cropsy catches on fire.  Five years later, Cropsy is released from the hospital after a series of unsuccessful skin grafts.  After killing a prostitute, Cropsy returns to the woods to wreak havoc on on the "they are to old for summer camp" teenagers staying there.

After what seems to be a million false scares, Cropsy starts a killin' and maiming a group that have gone on an extended canoe trip.  Included in this group are Jason Alexander (with a full head of hair: he is a teenager but looks about 35), Holly Hunter (who has one line but probably comes of best here), and one of my least favorite actors in the world, Fisher Stevens.  I have no reason for disliking Fisher Stevens really, I just do.  If him and Shia LaBeouf were in a film together, even if it was the most awesome thing ever filmed, I would probably actively protest it.  If Julia Roberts also starred, my head might explode. 

Back to the film.  Cropsy targets the usual suspects: teenagers having sex, the loner weirdo, anyone who goes off in the woods by themselves.  There are a few things different about this Slasher that I liked.  The first is the infamous "raft" scene.  I had heard about this and Tom Savini's amazing make-up and special effects work on it.   What I did not expect is how scary it was.  The build is well done, and when the actual slaughtering begins, it is quick and dirty and shocking.  I loved it.  The second thing I liked about this film is there is a lot of carnage, but also a lot of survivors.  Most of the kids make it out, and instead of a "final girl" we get two "final guys," including one who really should have been killed off.   It was different, and that is surprising in a cookie cutter slasher.  I also loved the 80's fashions.  They are really the best.

Lady in White

 There is a lot of affection in the blogosphere for Lady in White.  The film, made in 1988 and seen by everyone except for me, tells the story of Frankie Scarlatti (played by Lukas Haas), a young boy growing up in the early sixties.  Frankie lives a pretty idyllic life, with a loving father and older brother, and two eccentric Italian grandparents to provide comic relief.  Of course, his mother is dead, but that is pretty typical for a film such as this.  One afternoon, on Halloween, Frankie is locked in the cloakroom of his school by a couple of bullies (now a days they would just trash him on Facebook.)  Frankie falls asleep and when he wakes he is greeted by the ghost of a little singing "Did you ever see a dream?" by Bing Crosby.  The girl sees him as well, but before they can communicate Frankie witnesses her being BRUTALLY MURDERED in front of his eyes.  If that isn't enough to ruin your day he then is attacked by the REAL KILLER, who just happens to return to the cloakroom to retrieve an item he may have lost during the murder years ago.  Frankie isn't killed, but he is injured, and the drunk black janitor is accused of the crime.  Frankie doesn't know who attacked him, and this being 1962 the cops throw the janitor in prison and throw away the key.

Up until the cloakroom scene Lady in White reminded me of films such as A Christmas Story.  It seemed like a nostalgic look back on childhood, a time when everything was simple and magic.  What this film is really trying to emulate is To Kill a Mockingbird.  Yes, everything is simple and magic but then something really shitty happens and you have to grow up fast.  The child murder (albeit of a ghost child but still shocking) really jolted me.  The problem is, the tone of the film does not change after this horrific event.  I mean, the brother and grandparents are still providing comic relief, the father is still too strangely affectionate and caring, and Frankie still looks and acts like a moron.  Although now he is a moron being visited by a ghost.  The ghost, the first victim of a serial child killer, asks Frankie to help find her "mom."  Turns out Mom killed herself after the serial killer got to her a child. I am so confused by this movie.

Who is dead?  Who is alive?  Who cares!  By the time Katherine Helmond showed up as a "Lady in White" I had pretty much checked out.  It was pretty easy to figure out who the killer was, but honestly I was hoping half the time it would turn out to be Frankie's Dad.  It wouldn't surprise me with this movie.  The Director, Frank LaLoggia, throws so much at the screen (including an overbearing soundtrack composed by.....Frank LaLoggia) that nothing seems to stick.  The film aspires to greatness.  It looks great and the performances are well done (even Haas, who I have always had a problem with much like my problem with Shia LaBeouf).  It is trying to say something about racism and I guess child abuse, but it mixes this all up with jokes about masturbation and other shenanigans that come straight out of The Wonder Years.  Oh yeah, and there are ghosts. 

I missed this film when I was a kid and perhaps if I had seen it then I would have a different reaction to it now.  Not every film we see and love as a kid is that great.  I mean, I must of watched Night of the Comet 50 times as a kid.  I couldn't even sit though it now.  I had no clue what Lady in White was about except for the ghost aspect.  I think I had it in my mind that it was a scary ghost story.  Instead, it looks like it was made for kids (except for the child murdering).

I think the Netflix gods were trying to tell me something.  This movie sat on my table for 2 months.  They were saying "you are not going to like this movie even though everyone else does..."  They were right!