Resident Evil 5: Yes, another one.

 

I have mentioned before, in this very space, that I have a deep, abiding love for the Resident Evil films.  I don't know if it is the fact that I like watching hot chicks kick ass, or I am a fan of horrible CGI, or that I love movie franchises that make less and less sense over time, but I love these films!  Resident Evil: Retribution is like that awesome 10 year class reunion that I never had (I actually went to my 10 year reunion and it was so awful I actually left the reunion early, hit the local biker dive bar with the two class rednecks, threw up at the bar in my napkin, and then nearly got arrested by going back the reunion to tell everyone how nothing had changed and I still thought they were all assholes.  Part of this memory is true.)

Back to the film.  Plot: Schmot.  Who cares!  All of your favorite characters are back: Alice, Jill Valentine, Rain, the dude from The Mummy, the guy who got lazered into a million pieces.  There are a lot of cool fight scenes and zombies and CGI monsters and everyone gets killed.  Like twice.

Lets talk fashion.  Ada Wong, apparently a popular character from the video games (obviously I am not a gamer) shows up to rescue Alice in this hot red dress.

Alice, who barely survived the the boat business from the last film, still manages to find a kick ass leather suit with lots of buckles.  And don't get me started on Jill.  If I had that body that is what I would go for as Halloween, complete with bad bleach job.

There is a bunch of new characters but they are all awful.  Michelle Rodriguez returns as Rain, and this might be her best performance yet.  That is not saying a lot.

Of course there will be another one.  This franchise might go on longer than Saw.  That is alright with me, as long as they keep the crappy CGI and I must insist: the next film should not make any sense whatsoever!!!  Paul Andersen (the lesser), you were really close with this one.  It is high surrealist art.  Don't hold back next time!

Day of the Dead 1985: Revisited

Many thanks to ZOMBIEPEDIA for background info on Day of the Dead.  Check it out for all of your zombie related needs!

My local Rasputin's Music and DVD store just closed and I was lucky enough to snatch up a treasure trove of horror discs including George A Romero's Day of the Dead.  Of course I had seen Day before.  It is part of the Holy Trilogy after all (the other Holy Trilogy.) 

Like many others, Day of the Dead has been my least favorite of the first three dead films (of the total 6, my least favorite was and is Survival of the Dead.  Maybe in 20 years I will like it, but I doubt it.)  By "least favorite" I don't mean I ever disliked it: it just wasn't as scary as Night of the Living Dead or as awesome as Dawn of the Dead (do I have to explain why Dawn is awesome?  I don't think so!)  Day has it's charms, mainly Joe Pilato's crazy performance, Tom Savini's makeup and gore, and, of course, Bub.

Who doesn't love Bub?  What an amazing performance by Howard Sherman (aka Sherman Howard) and incredible make-up by Savini.  Bub is the first Zombie I have ever rooted for! 

  Day is claustrophobic, gloomy, and surreal.  From the setting, an underground bunker that is still half rock, to the cavern of Zombies, separated from the survivors by a wooden fence, the world of Day a tomb.  The inhabitants, a mix of scientists and military types, rightly worry that they may be the last survivors.  They are also totally crazy or halfway there.

Day would seem to suggest that there is little hope for humanity.  Indeed, the real monsters here are the power hungry Rhodes and the delusional Dr. Logan (aka Frankenstein), who has given up trying to "cure" the Zombies and instead is trying to tame them. 

Yes, strangely enough, Day of the Dead has a pretty optimistic ending.  Sarah, the final girl, escapes with the two remaining non crazy people in the bunker and ends up on a tropical beach.  True, they are not out of danger, but it beats having to hang out with Joe Pilato!  Romero has called Day his favorite of the first three Dead films.  Although I can't quite agree with him on this one, I do have to say I found it scary and compelling.  I like what he does with Bub and the whole Frankenstein angle.  The sense of claustrophobia and doom are overwhelming at times (my favorite part of Zombie films) and I think the performances are really good, particularly Sherman, Lori Cardille (Sarah) and Terry Alexander (John, the new Flyboy.)  Then there is Joe Pilato: crazier and scarier than any Zombie!  I really love him in this film: especially when he yells "choke on em" as he is being ripped apart! 

Go Bub!!!  I wonder: could he really have lived that long after being pulled apart?  And what is Pilato made of?  Jelly?

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings

It's like an Inbred Cannibal bonanza up in here!!!  Who would have thought I would be so lucky to watch so many Inbred Cannibal films in so short a time.  First it was The Offspring.  Then, last night, I caught the last 20 minutes of Wrong Turn on HBO.  That prompted me to run right out and rent Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings.   Initially I was a bit worried because I don't think I have seen Wrong Turn 3.  Then I figured that at this point it really doesn't matter.  They are all the same movie and they are all wonderful to my eyes...

 WT4, as it shall henceforth be known, is a prequel.  We are introduced to the nasty inbred brothers Three Fingers, One Eye, and Saw Tooth.  They are locked away in a Sanatorium for nasty Inbred Cannibals.  I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Three Fingers, even more so now that I have learned that he cut off and ate his own fingers, hence the nickname.  The brothers break out of the Sanatorium and kill the shit out of everyone there.  I mean, they really kill the shit out them.  Take a look.......

Cut to a few years later.  A bunch of idiotic College students are planning a weekend getaway at some remote cabin in the woods.   They get lost on while riding their awesome snowmobiles and end up at the abandoned.............Sanatorium!!  Which you just know those nasty Inbred Cannibal brothers still live at!  Yes, these College idiots are going to get the shit killed out of them! 

Watching this film I found myself thinking that it may be the best comedy of the year!  The kids are so stupid!  They repeatedly make the horror film mistakes of splitting up and having sex.  Each and everyone of them are assholes and I was really rooting for the cannibals throughout.  The kills are super over the top and the ending had me rolling on the floor laughing.  Good times all around. 

I may have to take a break from this genre for a while.  I don't think it's healthy to watch too many Inbred Cannibal films at once.  I once read a book about real life cannibals and I didn't feel right for a long time.  My Dad made the astute observation that I probably like this genre because Inbred Cannibals are so close to Zombies.  That may be right but I will always choose Zombies.  Zombies are so much sweeter.

Rare Book Review: The Passage

Post Apocalyptic horror is one of my favorite genres.  I can trace this back to reading The Stand when I was about 13.  The Passage by Justin Cronin reminds me of The Stand in more ways than one.  Not only is it about a group of post apocalyptic survivors trying to survive while understanding the meaning of their lives, but it also has a subtle (well, more subtle than The Stand) religious undercurrent.  Not that Cronin or King are trying to push religion on anyone.  It just that when things seem the worst, when there seems to be no reason to go on living, we all need something, some kind of magic or faith, to get us through. 

The Apocalypse in The Passage begins as most apocalypses do, with the U.S. Government.  A plant found in South America seems to possess magical healing powers: powers that could really help the U.S. Army.  The Government begins experiments on Death Row inmates.  When these experiments don't go so well, they decide to try the drug on a child.  The child they choose, Amy, will go on to become "the girl who saves the world."  But you won't see it in this book.  The Passage is the first book in a planned trilogy.  We jump 90 years into the future when most of mankind has been wiped out by the "virals", vampire like creatures that were produced as a result of these experiments.  The virals need to feed on humans.  They are sensitive to light and seem to live forever.  They don't show much intelligence but they seem to hunt in packs.  They are essentially zombie/vampire hybrids.  A group of survivors find Amy, still alive 90 years later and hardly aged.  Amy seems to possess special powers.  It is as if she can "control" the virals.  Driven by some unknown force, Peter Jaxon, one of the survivors, decides he must take Amy to Colorado where the outbreak began.  So begins our journey.

I liked The Passage very much.  It is a real page turner and you really get to know and care for the characters.  Having said that, be aware that it is a trilogy.  The book just kind of ends: it's not even a very good cliffhanger.  I want to know what happens, I just wish the ending of THIS book could have been more satisfying.  Scary in parts, weepy in parts, I highly recommend The Passage.  Just be sure you know that it is going to be a MAJOR time commitment. 

Just in time for the Rapture

I am sure you have all seen by now that the CDC has FINALLY put up tips for surviving the upcoming (6pm!) Zombie Apocalypse.  Actually, I don't think Harold Camping has said much about the rise of the zombies on Judgement Day, but a girl can dream, right?
http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

Brewster Rockit

You know how I love Lio, but I also love Brewster Rockit.. check it out at: http://www.gocomics.com/brewsterrockit

Resident Evil: Afterlife

OMFG!  I finally saw a movie!  In an actual theatre!  I wasn't about to miss Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D, a film actually FILMED in 3D (I am of the camp that all others, meaning things converted, suck, with the exception of Piranha 3D which made up for the shitty 3D with lots of gore.)  Where was I?  Yes, I went to go see the newest in the successful, against all odds, Resident Evil franchise.  Why successful against the odds?  Because most movies based on video games suck.  And although many may argue that these films also suck, in my humble opinion, they don't.  I LOVE them.  I love that they are shown on the "Lifetime" network.  I love Milla Jovovich and the awesome outfits she wears.  I love the shitty CGI.  I love guessing what "survivor" is going to die first.  These films are like crack to me.

Afterlife picks up where Extinction left off.  Alice and her clones are going after the "Umbrella" Corporation, the evil entity behind all the destruction.  The original Alice loses her powers (a plot point that goes nowhere) and makes her way to "Arcadia" to hook up with Claire and the rest of the survivors.  She finds only Claire, who has had her memory erased.  They take off in search of other survivors and end up at a Maximum Security Prison in the middle of L.A. (as you do.) 

Much the film involves their attempt to escape the prison and the hordes of Zombies waiting for them outside.  Yes Virginia, there are Zombies in this film.  There is one big bad Zombie that carries some kind of ax/meat tenderizer.  He is pretty cool, as are the fight scenes, some of which blatantly rip off The Matrix. But that's OK.  That film came out what... 20 years ago?  Feels like it.

If you love the Resident Evil films and squeal with delight when you see one playing on "Lifetime," you will love this one.  I really did.  And I am so happy that I didn't read much about it before going in.  There is a "surprise" at the end that made me very happy.  Stay for the credits, but only if you have seen all of the other films, otherwise the cameo won't make sense.

Audrey has looked better...

 "Zombie at Tiffanys."  Check out the cool site: http://www.threadcakes.com/entries/view/691
Many thanks to Daddy-in-Law Pat for the heads up!!!  I must have this at my next party!

Survival of the Dead

I love George A Romero- I love Night and Dawn and Day and even Land.  Diary had it's moments as well.  His latest, Survival of the Dead is the first of his Zombie opus that left me cold.  Gone are the scares, the feeling, the social commentary.  What we are left with is a poorly paced, kind of confusing film that adds almost nothing to the genre.

I say almost nothing because Romero does pay homage to the Westerns he loves and, oddly, the Hatfields and McCoys.  Somewhere in all this are Zombies, who are treated as nothing more than annoying distractions. 

The rogue National Guardsman (seen briefly in Diary of the Dead) are looking for somewhere isolated to sit out the apocalypse.  They see a You-Tube type video posted by some old Irishman inviting them to come to "Plum Island" off the coast of Delaware.  Little do they know that the Irishman, O'Flynn, is a castoff from the island and is only inviting strangers there to piss off his arch rival, Muldoon.  See, the O'Flynns and Muldoons have been the only two families to inhabit Plum Island for, well, ever as far as I can tell.  They are also bitter rivals.  They all also speak with Irish accents which is strange because they have lived here for so long.  And who do they mate with?  Each other?  These are the kind of questions that distracted me from the zombie action.

The Guardsman, accompanied by O'Flynn, arrive on the island to find Zombies chained to post, brainlessly going through the motions of what they used to do in their "living" life (a concept introduced in Land of the Dead.)  Muldoon, who now runs the island, is against killing the zombies.  He wants to "rehabilitate" them, to teach them to eat something other than human flesh.  O'Flynn just wants to kill them, even kinfolk, and make the island a haven for the living.  I am with O'Flynn, as are the Guardsman.  Muldoon will have none of it, and we are treated to a good old fashioned Western shoot-out with the added bonus of slow-moving zombies.

Problems are numerous.  We really don't get to know any of the characters that well to care about them.  Even the Guardsman, who we know from the previous film, seem like nothing more than zombie fodder.  The pacing is terrible.  The great shoot-out at the end goes on and on.  It's a relief when the zombies finally start eating people, but even that sequence goes on too long.  Romero also relies heavily on CGI, which is understandable given the budget and time constraints.  The only problem is that it is bad CGI: totally unbelievable.  Good things about the flick: the Cinematography is amazing: Plum Island is beautiful: I would go there for the zombie apocalypse.  There are a few interesting set pieces, such as the zombies in the cars, but even that seems ripped off from Max Brook's "World War Z." 

The biggest problem: the film is not scary.  I had nary a zombie nightmare last night.  Even Diary gave me a nightmare. I still love Romero however, and I will keep seeing whatever he throws our way. 

Dead Snow

Dead Snow is about Nazi Zombies.  That pretty much says it all.  I am wholly unfamiliar with the Nazi Zombie Genre but I love the fact that it exists.  Nazis are fucking scary.  Zombies are scary.  Put them together and you have two great tastes that taste great together.

But if all Nazi Zombie films are as boring as Dead Snow then I will take a pass.  It is rare that I say this, but this film could have really benefited from some boobs.  It does have one bizarre outhouse sex scene, but beyond that it was boring.  Boobs would have helped.  Message to the Pornographer that loves to post things in Chinese in my comments: Number One, just because I use the words boobs and penis a lot does not make it cool for you to post links to porn in my comment fields.  Number Two: At least please write your comments in English.  I am thinking of compiling them for a book.  I love it when you at least make an attempt to write about my post before you put your link to Mail Order Brides or whatever the hell it is.  I am going to call the book "Nonsensical things this person says about my blog before putting in his link to porn." 

Back to Dead Snow.  I was shocked that my Husband was not interested in watching this with me but he did not find Nazi Zombies that appealing.  My cat left after the outhouse scene.  So I was left alone to count how many films Dead Snow plays "homage" too.  I counted at least 10 with the most obvious ones being Shaun of the Dead and Evil Dead II.  So imagine those films with Norwegians and Nazis and there you go.  Seven friends (all medical students I guess, I wasn't playing close attention) go to a remote cabin in the snow covered mountains of Norway.  They drink beer, play Twister, and have sex in an outhouse.  A creepy Norwegian Mountain Man invades their party to warn them that "evil" exists in the mountains.  They ignore him and continue to listen to Norwegian Metal.  Soon they find a treasure chest of stolen Nazi loot.  Scooby Doo style this raises the Nazi Zombies from their snowy grave.  Hell ensues. 

Dead Snow has some good gore gags and a really interesting avalanche scene which I found fascinating because avalanches, along with Nazis and Zombies, really scare me.  Come to think of it, Norwegian medical students kind of scare me too.  They have sex in outhouses!!  If all the guys had been wearing turtlenecks I might have called this the scariest film I have ever seen. 

Never trust a corpse...

I have been looking forward to Glen McQuaid's I Sell The Dead for quite a while.  Yes, I know it was on IFC on Demand but stupid AT&T doesn't offer it.  If it did my life would be so, so happy because IFC is releasing quite a lot of horror at the moment.  So I wait.  And wait.  And finally!  It arrives (thanks Netflix) and then sits on the coffee table for two weeks because I am too tired to watch it.  Or, there is a new Gossip Girl on.  Heaven help me when Glee starts next week because I will never see anything.  Really, when I get home from work now-a-days I have one good hour before I am passed out like frat boy on St. Patrick's day.

I Sell the Dead, besides having an awesome title, is a pretty enjoyable little yarn about two Victorian Grave Robbers.  Dominic Monaghan (my second favorite Hobbit) plays Arthur Blake, a young man who grew up in the grave-robbin trade.  His mentor and BFF is Willie Grimes, played by Larry Fessenden.  I have no idea who Larry Fessenden is but I want him in every movie STAT.  The two eke out a pretty miserable existence, virtual slaves to the evil Dr. Quint, played by the Tall Man himself, Angus Scrimm, who I kind of want as my Grandpa.  When they stumble upon a corpse wrapped in garlic with a stake through it's heart, they find the means to get out from under Quint's thumb and make a pretty penny themselves.

All of this is told to Father Duffy (Ron Perlman) by Blake, who is about to be executed for his crimes.  Father Duffy has a particular interest in Blake and Grime's dealings with the Murphy Gang, a rival clan of body snatchers.  The Murphy gang also deals with "unusual" corpses, and a final showdown with them leads Blake and Grimes to their ruin. 

I Sell the Dead is beautifully shot and the acting is impeccable.  It is also, at times, laugh out loud funny.  The pacing is a bit uneven, and the ending left me thinking "is that all?"   The episodic nature of the story suggests it would have made a kick ass TV show, which would have gotten canceled after one season as all good TV shows do.  Nevertheless, I Sell the Dead is a pretty good time.  It has zombies, vampires, ghouls, lots of fog, grave-robbin, and gore.  What more could you ask for?

And yes, I do watch Gossip Girl and Glee.  Alongside horror I love trash and showtunes.  Got a problem with that?