Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Chaos Experiment, or 2 hours I will never have back....

I can't put off writing about this piece of crap any longer. I don't have enough booze in the house to give this film the thoughtful post it deserves and I don't want any of my (5?) readers to accidentally rent this.
I watch Val Kilmer/Armand Assante films so you don't have to.

Val Kilmer (channeling Marlon Brando circa "Island of Dr. Moreau" -all crazy as shit) plays a former Professor/professional crackpot who believes that Global Warming (calling Mr. Gore) is going to bring about Armageddon in 2012. Problem is, no one believes him because he wears turtlenecks and looks like he is always having a seizure. He walks into the newspaper office (in Grand Rapids, because if you know the would is going to end, you spread the word in Grand Rapids) and demands that the Publisher print his theories on the front page- otherwise 6 people that he has locked up in a Turkish bath steam room are going to die!!! Why are they locked up in a steam room? Because Kilmer (I didn't bother to write down character names, trust me, you won't either,) wants to show what will happen to the human body due to Global Warming: the lungs melt, the eyes cauterize, the guy from the Bronx with the leopard swimsuit will go crazy first, the hot chick will take off her top (that's for you guys..) and Eric Roberts will really try not to overact until the last act.
The Publisher makes perhaps the worst mistake of his life by calling in Armand Assante to investigate. Assante stars as THE WORST COP EVER. First of all he is drunk. Second, he doesn't call for any back up. Third, he takes Kilmer seriously (come on, he is wearing a turtleneck!!) And finally, I couldn't understand a word he was saying. At all. Watching Kilmer and Assante "size each other up" is like watching two 7 year old girls trying to decide who is "it." If you want to barf, watch the interrogation scene between these two, which goes on for about 4 hours. I literally had to restrain myself from pushing fast forward.
The best part about this flick, and I can't believe I am writing this, are the scenes in the steam room. At least something is happening and there is no Val Kilmer!! Plus, it was fun to play "who dies next." Much like Rob Zombie, the guy who directed this (Phillipe Martinez) takes the material way to seriously. So instead of being "so bad its good" its just "so bad."
One more thing: There is a twist ending tacked on to the end. I love me some twist endings, but this one did not make any sense to me. Perhaps, like Armand Assante, I "lack the intellectual capacity to take on a case like this..." I think the real problem is watching this flick killed a few too many brain cells...

3 comments:

Cellar Door said...

I'm glad you posted this, because it looks like Dwido was coming dangerously close to watching it. Also, I have an irrational love of Val Kilmer (I know, I know) so I'm glad you talked me out of it.

That was really quite a funny review.

Jen said...

Thank you!! If I save one person from watching this, then I have done well...

Dwido said...

I believe Val was channeling Claude Van Damme sans the accent.