Dorian Gray

Looks "Twilighty." Is that Prince Caspian as Gray?

The Haunting in Connecticut

Wow, this movie did not suck as hard as I thought it would. I actually had to turn on another light while watching in because it gave me the spooks (thankfully Husband was gone otherwise I would have to explain to him why the living room was all lit up like a Christmas tree.) My only real complaint with the film is that the Director relied too much on obvious musical clues to tell us when we were supposed to be scared. It was almost laughable and unnecessary.

I am not going to recap the film. It is about a haunting in Connecticut. Duh. But here is a list of things I likes (left typo in because I like it) about the film, and if you like these things too, then check it out.

1. Scary Ghosts
2. Necromancy
3. Post-mortem photography
4. ectoplasm
5. Good ghost/bad ghost switcheroo
6. Mummies
7. Corpses in walls
8. Old-timey poems and songs
9. Virginia Madsen
10. Totally ridiculous ending
11. "Based" on a true story
12. Awesome DVD extras
13. Kids stupid enough to play hide and seek, repeatedly, in a haunted house
14. The Borderland (in the valley of the shadow of death)
15. Mediums
16. No Head Trauma
17. Attacking Shower curtains

Enjoy!

Alice in Wonderland

This makes me happy just watching it! Alice in Wonderland always scared the shit out of me. Still does. Doesn't Johnny Depp look like Elijah Wood?

Dexter...

 
My favorite serial killer is back!! Now I will have to do the old "dump HBO after True Blood ends and pick up Showtime before Dexter starts" trick. Oh to be rich and afford both channels! Well, there really isn't shit on either one besides these shows.

The Unborn

Cool poster, horrible movie.

"The Unborn" was just about as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't even write down the character names because frankly I didn't give a shit about them. So the story goes that this college age rich girl is being haunted by the ghost of her unborn twin. Or the ghost of her unborn twin haunted by a Jewish Demon called a "dybbuk." Her brown eyes start to turn blue and everywhere she looks she sees this creepy blue-eyed dead kid (her brother died in the womb so I don't know why the ghost is a 10 year old. Would a ghost fetus be too creepy?) Her friends and family also start dying. She hooks up with a Rabbi played by Gary Oldman (giving 100%, about 99% more than this film deserved,) and together they decide to preform a Jewish Exorcism. And that's it. Whole story.

The worst thing about this film is that there is zero character development. Bad things start to happen to this girl in the first 5 minutes, and we don't know a thing about her. Nor do we learn anything about her besides the fact that she is dating one of the guys from "Twilight." You watch all of this shit happening to her and you are like "so?" The only even remotely interesting aspect of this film is the actual Jewish Exorcism, which I knew nothing about. Turns out the writers really did their research, and these types of exorcisms are not as uncommon as you might think. There is also a bunch of science crap about twins and Nazi experiments (more Nazis!) which makes no sense. The "science" in this film is on par with "She-Demons." In fact, all in all, "She-Demons" is a better movie. Skip "The Unborn" and watch "She-Demons!" That is my professional opinion.

"Horrific Nazi Experiments gone awry!"

When that is your tag line, how can you go wrong? Last night, without meaning to, I watched "She Demons." How do you accidentally watch "She Demons" you might ask? Well, I was so lazy last night that instead of popping in a DVD (which would require me to get up, and I just don't want to watch The Unborn or The Haunting in Connecticut that bad) I instead watched "Creepy Kofy Movie Time," my local Horror Movie Show (you must support your local horror host.) The public domain film that night was "She Demons" from 1958. "She Demons" is a film that is really so bad its good. Four shipwreck survivors (soon to be three, but I won't spoil it for you) find themselves on an uncharted Pacific island. Things go from bad to worse when their radio is smashed, they discover the US Air Force is using the island for target practice, there are Nazi's living there, and finally, one of them is killed by a She-Demon. This is like an episode of "Lost" written by a ten year old.

Irish McCalla stars as "Jerrie," a rich spoiled brat whose Father owns the boat that was destroyed in the (stock footage) hurricane. Tod Griffin plays "Fred," who was also on the boat and although I am not sure what the hell he does, he was somehow working for Jerrie's Father. The final part of this scooby gang is "Sammy," played by Victor Sen Yung, whose only purpose is to provide uncomfortable, semi-racist,unfunny un-comic relief. These three idiots manage to get themselves chased by She-Demons, captured and whipped by Nazis and almost blown to bits. All in the course of one day. Why are there She-Demons you might ask? The Nazis are doing terrible experiments of course! The head Nazi, known as "The Butcher" (I forget his name but it is probably Fritz) is trying to repair his burned wife's face by tranferring DNA to her from captured Jungle Girls. The process turns the Jungle Girls into She-Demons! There is also some nonsense about perpetual motion and renewable energy (who knew Nazis were environmentalists?)

This movie is about as "B" as they come and a whole lot of fun. There is even a good shock scare at the end. My favorite part is how "Jerries" hair looks perfect throughout the whole film, even when she is trying to outrun lava. Yes, there is lava too.

Yuck...

Both "The Unborn" and "The Haunting in Connecticut" are arriving tomorrow via Netflix. I hate when you get a double-shot of crapness in the mail. I am saving my new episode of "True Blood" to watch between these two movies. I mean really, where does it say I have to see EVERY horror film out there?

Charles Dickens is a big bully.

I just finished this 771 page beast of a novel "Drood" by Dan Simmons. The book was so good it gave me nightmares! Really, I dreamt about "Drood" and it was a nice break from the Zombie apocalypses and "I forgot to go to Math class all year and the final is next week" dreams that I usually have. Dan Simmons specializes in historical fiction with a horrific bent. His last novel, "The Terror" is about the doomed Franklin expedition and what he imagines became of the crew (it is not pretty.) As much as I liked that book, I did find bits of it a little ridiculous, even for my tastes. But "The Terror" is more of a Sci-Fi monster tale, which has never been my thing (with the exception of "The Thing" and "Alien".) "Drood" is also a monster tale, but this monster is very different.
This monster haunts our fevered dreams and is born out of our darkest desires. He is a character in Charles Dickens last, unfinished work and a spectre that stalks Dickens friend, collaborator, and rival Wilkie Collins. Collins, the writer of "The Woman and White" and "Moonstone" was, for a time, Dickens' protegee. He was also an Opium addict (taken in the form of Laudanum, which my dear Lizzie Siddal overdosed on during the same time period in which these events take place) prone to hallucinations. These are the facts, and what Simmons does is takes these facts and imagines a dark, sinister force at work in the lives of these two men. He does this so well that you can imagine these events really taking place.

In the end "Drood" is a ghost story, a tale of jealousy and revenge, and finally a descent into madness. At times it is really scary (hence the nightmares) and at the end it is very sad. It also "resurrects" poor Wilkie Collins, a successful writer in his time but largely overshadowed by Dickens. I have never read anything by Collins myself, although I have encountered him a few times in my research (he was active around the same time as the pre-Raphaelites .) I feel, after reading "Drood," that I read "The Moonstone," since most of the tale takes place while Collins is working on it. So I think I will start with "The Woman in White," after I get through this pile of books on my desk.....

[rec]

It took so damn long for this film to hit the states that I saw the American re-make before the original, something I always try to avoid doing. The original is always better (so if you are thinking of seeing "Let me in" when it opens next year, please see "Let the right one in" first. I am not psychic but I would put money on the Swedish film being better.)

[Rec] is a faux documentary about a reporter and her cameraman who follow around a group of firefighters for the evening. A call comes from an apartment building in Barcelona about an ill woman, and the crew goes to investigate. Once inside the building they discover the situation is much worse than they imagined, and escape is impossible. The authorities have blockaded the building due to an unspecified viral threat (calling Dr. Mike.) The fit hits the shan when the neighbors start eating each other.

All of this is seen through the viewpoint of one camera, held by the unseen cameraman Pablo. The reporter named Angela is our guide and final girl. Watching this film is like taking a ride in a Haunted House attraction. Everything is dark, you don't know where you are, there are scary sounds around you, and something is just around that corner waiting to jump out and scare the shit out of you. I loved it of course!

Some people won't like this film because of the shaky camerawork. There are the same people that didn't like "Blair Witch" for the same reason. I say take some Dramamine and watch it! Do you get sick in the car too? (This outburst brought to you by my third cup of coffee.)

I wish I had seen this film with no idea of what was going to happen. It would have knocked the socks of me. Unfortunately, I saw the American re-make, "Quarantine," first. The re-make is actually pretty good. I own it. The original is better. I can't explain it, since the re-make is almost shot for shot. The scares in [Rec] are just...scarier.

Zombi's in Paradise...

Horror nerds LOVE this flick, and I have never seen it. For the simple reason that I am not a Gorehound. But I figured I better check it out. I have been trying to embrace gore more lately, and I can honestly say I only covered my eyes during this flick once. The film is "Zombie" by Lucio Fulci, or "Zombi 2" if you want to be really nerdy (and I do!). See, in Italy it was released as "Zombie 2" because Romero's "Dawn of the Dead" had come out with the name of "Zombi." Realizing that this would not fly in the states (it is no sequel,) producers named the American version "Zombie." Hence the thing that confused me for years. I always heard about "Zombi 2" but where was "Zombie?" I have a Master's degree, I should know these things.

"Maggot Eye Guy" a new favorite Zombie.

Ok, so a seemingly abandoned yacht is found floating in New York Harbor. The Coast Guard goes to check it out. Hiding below deck is one fat ass zombie, who proceeds to eat one of the Coast Guard guys. The boat belongs to this guy who has been missing for a while (shit, I am such a good writer.) His daughter, who has one facial expression (confused) shows up to investigate. She is joined by a reporter named Peter West who is cute but balding. They hightail it to some tropical island after finding a clue that Dad might be there. None of the locals will take them to the particular island (Matool) because they say it is cursed, so they hook up with a hippie dude and his girlfriend who doesn't wear a bra. Before you can say "unnecessary nudity" there is a naked scuba diving scene. But I am jumping ahead of myself. They get to the island and find that it is indeed inhabited by the "Living Dead!!!" Not only people who have just died and are re-animating, but old school rise from the grave maggot infested dead like this guy (see picture above.)

Well, things just go downhill from there. This tropical paradise turns into a Zombie buffet special. Above is one of the most famous scenes from this film, the old wood splinter in the eyeball trick, done by a Zombie (as if eating a person wasn't enough, they have to blind them first!) This scene was really more silly than gory. The best scene, and what this film is rightly remembered for, is the Zombie vs. Shark scene. I had heard about this for years (there are bands and blogs named after this epic battle.) And although I highly recommend this film, if you want don't want to sacrifice 2 hours of your life, just watch the video below. The best part about it is the music, if you ask me....

Starring in my Nightmare tonight....

The Thorny Devil

Aw, actually he is kinda cute. The Thorny Devil is an Australian Lizard that lives in the Outback. His average lifespan is 20 years. There are many cool things about the Thorny Devil (besides the awesome name.) He has a "false head" on the back of his neck (you can't see it in this picture, but Google image search it.... I don't have all night here) to confuse prey. His rigid "thorny" body allows the Devil to collect water from any part of the body and funnel it to his mouth. The coolest thing about the Devil is that if some other Beastie tries to attack him, the Devil will purposely blow a blood vessel in its eye, squirting a stream of blood at its attacker, freaking him out and pissing him off. I wish I could do that. And that is what I will be having a nightmare about tonight.

By the way, this National Geographic moment was brought to you by Dr. Mike. I was a little disappointed in the most recent episode because Dr. Mike didn't incubate some creature in his belly and then poop it out and show us. I thought that was going to be his signature move in every show. Oh well, next week is Borneo and I bet he poops something and shows it to us.

Horror programming will now continue............

I want you as my friend!

I love him so much. I rewatched "The Last Man on Earth" today. Vincent Price rules.

Don't kill Paul!!!

I am talking about Paul Krempe, the guy on the right and Victor Frankenstein's tutor, partner, unrequited lover, and wife stealer from Hammer's 1957 film "The Curse of Frankenstein."

In amazing Technicolor!!! I don't know if it was in technicolor, but it was Hammer's first color film, and their first horror "re-make," which led to countless others and the brand that Hammer is known for.

I did live to describe, although badly. "The Curse of Frankenstein" holds a very special place in my heart. I love this film, almost as much as I love Universal's "Frankenstein" and "Bride of Frankenstein" (high praise) but not as much as I love the holy "Dead" trilogy. But what is Frankenstein but a sympathetic zombie? This bad-ass monster was not created by some curse of God or "Dr. Mike" level viral contagion, but by a MAN!

This man, Baron Von Frankenstein, played by Mr. Awesome himself, Peter Cushing, reminding me of Ralph Fiennes. I mean, Ralph Fiennes should play this role in the remake, with Christian

Bale as the Monster and Sam Worthington as his tutor/assistant Paul, and Natalie Portman as Elizabeth and Scarlett Johansson (I am not looking up that spelling) as the slutty maid that gets killed near the end.

Spoiler Alert! The slutty maid gets killed near the end by this guy, Frankenstein's Monster, played by that hot number Christoper Lee.

Universal threatened to sue if Hammer's Monster looked too much like their own, so the make-up artists created this monstrosity, which, to me, is more scary and realistic than Karloff's Monster. Anyway, "The Curse of Frankenstein" not only sticks closer to the source material, but it is quite saucy, as you would expect from the Brits. This version focuses not so much on the Monster, but more on the Baron himself, who is a mad and quite evil genius. He lies, kills, dismembers, and acts like a real Douchbag throughout, but don't worry, he gets his comeuppance. By the way, I love the character of Paul Krempe so much that I kept screaming "Don't kill Paul" throughout the whole film. Strangely enough this garnered no reaction from my husband who was watching something in the other room.

Much like "Hellraiser 2" (only 500 times better,) "The Curse of Frankenstein" holds a special place in my heart. I believe I saw this version of Frankenstein before I saw the Universal version. My childhood memories of Horror are all in vivid color. I most likely saw this with my Parents or Sisters on TV. I was probably pretending to be asleep but watching every gory second. Hammer horror, to me, is like curling up in a cozy old blanket by a warm fire with a cup of hot cocoa, only with a lot more cleavage and gore.

Aliens in Paradise

Courtesy of "DListed" http://www.dlisted.com/. My favorite gay celebrity gossip website (sorry Perez.)

Trailers from Hell

If you are looking to avoid doing housework, as I am, may I suggest spending some time over at "Trailers from Hell" (see sidebar for link.) In particular, check out commentiares from Edgar Wright, Eli Roth, and John Landis. As a trailer junkie myself (obviously) I could and have wasted many hours at this site.

I only kill boys..

@ Yahoo! Video

The red band trailer for this has been floating around for a while, and it looks much, much better than this sanitized version. I "like" Diablo Cody (I think) so I am looking forward to the flick. I think.

Coming soon

Another insightful review...with swearing. Can't write now though, "True Blood" is coming on....

Thoughts on Hellbound:Hellraiser 2

Or "Hellraiser 2: Hellbound," however you like. I have no thoughts actually. I don't even know why I watched this flick.

Scratch that. I thought of 3 things to say about this film.

1. It is cool that the filmmakers delve into the history of the Cenobites, especially every one's favorite, Pinhead. Apparently, the third film goes even deeper into Cenobite lore, thus it is on my Netflix que, hence an unintended "Hellraiser" marathon.

2. The film is from 1988, meaning I was young and impressionable when I first saw it, most likely with my hands over my eyes for most of the time. I remember bits and pieces of this film (I thought I had never seen it before.) Ah, memories of childhood days and parents with no filter. Really, I was a teenager, but considering I slept with the light on until I was 16.... I should not have been watching this crap!

(I was screaming this while watching Hellraiser 2. )

3. The screenwriter(s) (do your IMDB research lazy) had this odd habit of having every character repeat themselves. Example:

Destroy the Mattress!

Destroy the Mattress!

or

Jesus Christ, fucking weird!

Jesus Christ, fucking weird!

It's just lazy (who is calling the kettle black?) I almost named the blog I created for my parents "Jesus Christ, fucking weird" because I liked how it sounded (twice) in this film so much. To wrap it up: This film is a little too gory for me, it is part of the reason I am so weird, and I like the concept of Demon fairy tales. This is not such a good one, but if anyone can write em, Clive Barker can. Check out his most recent Demon fairy tale "Midnight Meat Train" to see what I mean.

Another bad remake of another bad movie.

Yeah. The least interesting guy from "Gossip Girl" and the boring guy from "Nip/Tuck" made a movie together. This looks awful on "Transformer" type levels (meaning I am sure I will see the trailer at least 30 times in front of various films and on TV before it comes out, and each time it will look worse, yet it will somehow make 100 Million Dollars.) The original film wasn't that good but at least it had Locke from "Lost" in it. The most interesting character from a good show.

The song stuck in my head today...

Thanks to the folks at Kindertrauma for posting this. Now I don't have to have "Ben" stuck in my head anymore.

Trick r Treat 2007 or 2009

Come the think of it, I posted this trailer about a year ago. But now that I have seen the short I like it even better! And Sookie is in it!

Halloween in July

This animated short was created by a guy named Michael Dougherty (obviously) way back in 1996 (where the hell was I then?) On the basis of this he was offered a movie deal, and directed the yet to be released Halloween anthology "Trick r Treat." This film has been sitting on the shelf for 2 years, but rumor has it that the release date is pending. Hope so. Trailer to come later. By the way, all of this info came to me via "HorrorHound" magazine. The first time I picked up this mag I didn't care for it too much (it was pretty much about collectibles and although I would love to have my home filled with horror shit, I can't afford it.) Now it is a nice mix of collectibles, horror news, film and DVD reviews, and other assorted nasty stuff. And its tag line is "A Fright-filled MaGOREzine for all Boils and Ghouls!" Really, how could I pass it up?

The Collector

I have not heard a thing about this film, but I like the premise. The only red alarm is "from the maker of Saw 4, 5 , and 6." Is that supposed to make me want to run out and see this?

Old news

'No Values Voters' Looking To Support Most Evil Candidate
Yes, I know this is very old, but it is still funny. Since getting promoted (I was promoted at my job by the way) I feel like doing even less on my days off. So after waking up at 10, I watched the MJ memorial, ate a bowl of chips, and since then I have been watching Onion clips all day. And no, I don't smoke weed. This is my favorite.

My New Favorite show

Now I know I have said this before (about "Hole in the Wall" and "Redneck Wedding" which I have never watched again,) but I have found a new favorite show. It is called "Bite me with Dr. Mike." This guy is Dr. Mike and he is Virologist and total wackjob. He is also quite charming and funny. I have never thought I would spend my Monday night learning about body lice and ass worms, but I did, and I have Dr. Mike to thank.

He is going to catch something indeed.

Monday Trailer Madness!!!!

This is an older teaser for this film, but it is better than the full length trailer out now. After Zombie apocalypses and haunted house films, trapped in space films are probably my favorite sub-genre. What would be awesome is a haunted space ship infested by zombies. Where is that movie?

New Blog

I have started a new blog for family and friends that just want to see pictures and not endless movie trailers. It has a really brilliant name. Check it out: http://jenniferjonathanandyao.blogspot.com/
This blog has 90% less gore and 50% more cat pictures. The zombie quotient will be about the same.

Zombies on Broadway!

Moving to the top of my Netflix que: Zombies on Broadway! How come I have not seen this?

2 minutes later.....

Damn you Netflix! Foiled again.

Zut Alors! Zombies!

Teaser_La_Horde
by blankytwo

Last trailer today, I promise. I am a big fan of French horror, so I am looking forward to this French Zombie flick. Looks fast-paced and gory. And I doubt it will send me into a psychological and emotional tailspin ala "Martyrs." But I bet it gives me nightmares! Alright! I can add French zombies to my list of phobias.

Michael Ironside Alert

Another film directed by a woman, in this case Jennifer Lynch, daughter of David, director of "Boxing Helena" which was TERRIBLE. This looks interesting. It looks like a remake of "Rashoman" and there is nothing wrong with that. This apparently is available right now on "On Demand," but since I am down to my last 3 bucks till payday I might just wait.

The Hurt Locker

I keep hearing good things about this flick. And, it was directed by a woman! Yeah, go woman.

RoboGeisha

This is real and it looks better than "Transformers." I love the voice-over. It is what I imagine angry demons to sound like. WARNING: This trailer is not appropriate for anyone. Very gory.