Monday, May 31, 2010

Flowers in the Attic

I was going to subtitle this post "Guilty Pleasures" but that really goes without saying.  To girls of a certain age the novels of V.C. Andrews were as important to their development as Seventeen Magazine or the original Degrassi.  Well, maybe just to girls like me.  Andrew's Gothic novels served as a "gateway" for me into proper horror.  I will always hold them in my heart with affection, much like I will the film version of Flowers in the Attic that was released in 1987.

I chanced upon a Video Store going out of business sale.  Most of the good stuff was gone but they did have copy of Flowers available for 5 bucks.  What a joy to watch it again!!  The bad acting, the overacting, the stunt people that look nothing like the actors!  Kristy Swanson!!  Academy Award winner Louise Fletcher as Grandmother!!  Queen Bitch Victoria Tennant (on film, I am sure she is a lovely person) as Mother!! 

The four Dollanganger children, Chris, Cathy, Cory and Carrie are taken to their Grandmother's house after their Father dies in an accident.  Their Mother is going to try to win back her Father's love after royally pissing him off by marrying his Brother (this is V.C. Andrews, this kind of thing happens often.)  The children are locked in a room upstairs.  If Grandfather knows they exist, he will cut their Mother out of the will.  What the children don't know is that Mother has no intention of ever letting them leave that room. 

As I said, I was going to subtitle this "Guilty Pleasures."  But, upon research, the more appropriate subtitle would have been: "What could have been..."  Wes Craven was planning to direct this film, and he wrote a script that was so violent and "incest-laden" that V.C. Andrews herself rejected it.  The Producers ended up giving directing duties to Jeffrey Bloom.  I WANT TO SEE CRAVEN'S VERSION!!!!!!  They remake everything, why not remake this?

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Dead Snow

Dead Snow is about Nazi Zombies.  That pretty much says it all.  I am wholly unfamiliar with the Nazi Zombie Genre but I love the fact that it exists.  Nazis are fucking scary.  Zombies are scary.  Put them together and you have two great tastes that taste great together.

But if all Nazi Zombie films are as boring as Dead Snow then I will take a pass.  It is rare that I say this, but this film could have really benefited from some boobs.  It does have one bizarre outhouse sex scene, but beyond that it was boring.  Boobs would have helped.  Message to the Pornographer that loves to post things in Chinese in my comments: Number One, just because I use the words boobs and penis a lot does not make it cool for you to post links to porn in my comment fields.  Number Two: At least please write your comments in English.  I am thinking of compiling them for a book.  I love it when you at least make an attempt to write about my post before you put your link to Mail Order Brides or whatever the hell it is.  I am going to call the book "Nonsensical things this person says about my blog before putting in his link to porn." 

Back to Dead Snow.  I was shocked that my Husband was not interested in watching this with me but he did not find Nazi Zombies that appealing.  My cat left after the outhouse scene.  So I was left alone to count how many films Dead Snow plays "homage" too.  I counted at least 10 with the most obvious ones being Shaun of the Dead and Evil Dead II.  So imagine those films with Norwegians and Nazis and there you go.  Seven friends (all medical students I guess, I wasn't playing close attention) go to a remote cabin in the snow covered mountains of Norway.  They drink beer, play Twister, and have sex in an outhouse.  A creepy Norwegian Mountain Man invades their party to warn them that "evil" exists in the mountains.  They ignore him and continue to listen to Norwegian Metal.  Soon they find a treasure chest of stolen Nazi loot.  Scooby Doo style this raises the Nazi Zombies from their snowy grave.  Hell ensues. 

Dead Snow has some good gore gags and a really interesting avalanche scene which I found fascinating because avalanches, along with Nazis and Zombies, really scare me.  Come to think of it, Norwegian medical students kind of scare me too.  They have sex in outhouses!!  If all the guys had been wearing turtlenecks I might have called this the scariest film I have ever seen. 

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Favorite 6 Vincent Price Movies..

I couldn't pick just 5, hard as I tried.  In honor of Vincent Price's recent birthday-here are my top 6 Vincent Price movies.  I actually love just about every film Price has been in, but these are the ones I watch again and again.  (Lack of coffee and total exhaustion make me a very bad poet.)

#6: Witchfinder General aka The Conqueror Worm 1968Directed by the awesome and gone to soon Michael Reeves, Witchfinder General is Price at his scariest.  Plus, I covet the hairdo.

#5 The Fall of the House of Usher 1960.  Corman, Price, and Matheson.  Wonderfully goth icky, melodramatic, and beautiful. 

#4 The Abominable Dr. Phibes 1971.  This may be Price's most "camp" performance (Brady Bunch Hawaii episode comes a close second.)  It is still a wonder to behold.  Price is the center of all the Art Deco attention as Dr. Phibes, a grief stricken genius who is a precursor to Jigsaw.  If only the Saw films looked this groovy. 

#3 House on Haunted Hill 1959.  Price plays a charming, eccentric, wealthy wife killer in this classic Directed by William Castle.  One scene in this film made me jump out of my seat, no "Emergo" necessary.

#2 House of Wax 1953.  This was the first Vincent Price film I ever remember seeing, and it started a lifelong fascination not only with Price, but with Wax Museums.  I can't go to one without imagining what may be buried beneath all that wax.

#1: The Last Man on Earth 1964.  Based on my favorite book, "I am Legend" by Richard Matheson, Last Man is Price at his best.  He literally has to carry the entire film on his shoulders.  The film is sad and scary as hell.

I have to include two non-Horror honorable mentions.  Leave her to Heaven from 1945 and Laura from 1944.  Both films star Gene Tierney and feature Price in supporting roles.  Laura, of course, is a Film Noir classic.  Leave her to Heaven features one of the craziest characters in film history.  Tierney's "Ellen" is completely bat-shit crazy and pretty evil.  If you haven't, check out this Technicolor masterpiece!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Why? Martyrs

Welcome to a new segment called "Why?"  The weeks segment is the proposed remake of the excellent French film Martyrs.  To borrow from Seth and Amy: Really?  Check out the article from Brutal as Hell:

For a recent review of this excellent film, check out The Film Connoisseur:

And if I had ever bothered to label my posts back in the day you could check out my review.  It exists somewhere in the Netherlands.  Take my word for it: f'ing good movie.  No need for a remake.

Happy Birthday Price and Lee

Horror fans were blessed when on this day, not one, but two horror legends were born.  Enjoy....

Yes, Christopher Lee just put out a Metal album.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Hellraiser III: Hell on earth

There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.

There are some things in this world I just can't believe, like the fact that Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth was made in 1992.  I actually remember 1992 and I don't recall it being as eighties-rific as this film.  I mean in one scene, Terry Farrell, who plays Investigative Journalist and Final Girl Joey, wears some kind of polka dot shoulder pad/balloon pants combo on an outing and I don't think she was wearing it to be ironic since I don't think her character is capable of irony. 

But I digress.  Let's get to the matter at hand.  Hellraiser III did not totally suck.  Yes, the classic Cenobites (save Pinhead) are MIA, replaced by new ones that kill with CD's and cocktail shakers.  I kid you not.  I guess this was filmed in the nineties, otherwise the CD Cenobite would have been killing people with cassette tapes and 8 track. 

The aforementioned Joey is trying to land a big story. While covering the emergency room beat, she witnesses a young man with chains attached to his body brought in.  He quickly explodes.  Joey, sensing that she might be on to something (smart girl) tracks down the young girl who brought him in.  She is a club girl named Terri and she is in possession of a mysterious box, which she claims is responsible for the young mans death.  The young man stole the box from club owner J.P., played by Kevin Bernhardt who would have had a great career as an eighties uber-villian.  J.P. is the owner of the "Pillar of Souls," a really cool piece of goth art that houses Pinhead and, apparently, some souls.  J.P., who is a class A asshole, unleashes Pinhead and a whirlwind of shit ensues. 

Meanwhile, Joey has shacked up with Terri (I can't tell if they were having a lesbian affair or not, but it is suggested) and she starts having dreams of an Army Officer who looks a lot like Pinhead, minus the pins.  This Oficer tells her that she must send Pinhead back to hell and forget about her career as a journalist because she is really terrible.  We see a lot of Doug Bradley in this film, both as Pinhead and his human self.  This is probably why I liked the film, because of Bradley.  The gore is surprisingly subdued, and as I said the other Cenobites are sorely missed, but compared to some of the other Hellraiser films, this one is not half bad.  The majority of the action takes place in J.P.'s club, The Boiler Room.  This is the coolest club in existence.  Not only does it have awesome goth art and goth kids everywhere, there is a room with a live eighties Metal band, and another room with a sophisticated restaurant with classical music.  Plus, if you go there is a very real chance that you will get slaughtered and/or turned into a deadly CD wielding Cenobite.  Cool beans.  Now enjoy some Legos.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Sorority Row: 5 bucks well spent

It's not often that I will buy a movie I have never seen before, but I am at the magical land that is my parent's house and I needed something to do while they watched "Law & Order" and "Castle." So I bought Sorority Row for 5 bucks at the video store of my youth. I watched it with my parent's cat Sam whom, much like my own cat, has a high tolerance for horror films. He did leave after Rumer Willis screamed for the 50th time, and I can hardly blame him. But, in all, I liked this movie. It kind of has a "Sex and the City" vibe to it, except the girls are in College and there is about 100% more killing and blood.

It is quickly established that these girls are Bitches (with a capital B) and most likely deserve to die.  Luckily, the film obliges and kills a couple of their dick boyfriends along the way.  Main Bitch, Jessica (played by the hysterical Leah Pipes) orchestrates a prank to get back at a guy who had cheated on one of her Sisters (in the Sorority sense.  That's why it is called Sorority Row.  I did not belong to a Sorority in College and hence I never accidentally killed one of my Sisters in a prank gone bad. I did not have the full College experience.)

Yes, so the prank goes bad and one of the Sisters dies. The other Sisters, which include Briana Evigan as Cassidy the good girl and Rumer Willis as Ellie the screamer, dump the body down an old Well and march forward to their futures of becoming Senator's wives and Oxycontin addicts.  Only someone knows their secret, and on the night of their graduation that someone is coming for revenge with a tricked out tire-iron.  Which I want bad.

This film has some wicked one-liners and some oral-fixation type death scenes that are quite inventive.  Leah Pipes, as main Bitch Jessica, steals the show and was the only one I wasn't rooting for to die.  Problems: the way the film is shot.  I mean, some of the camera angles are bizarre and the lighting is horrible. Rather than add to the sense of unease (of which there is none) it only distracts one from the story.  The other problem is when the killer is finally revealed, it makes no fucking sense at all.  It might as well have been some random dude off the street trying to kill everyone. 

This film isn't scary nor is it a particularly good thriller, but it was fun and it beats the hell out of 2 hours of "Law & Order."

Evil Trailer......

I am in the magical land known as my parents house and I have purchased Sorority Row and The Final Destination to watch this evening while they are mourning the loss of "Law & Order."  It's the last show y'all.  In the meantime, enjoy this trailer.  I swear I am not on Peaches payroll.  However, I would love to be if she is interested......

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Pooh hearts Satan

Still nothing to say, no movies watched... but I saw this at a party last night and thought you might enjoy...

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Human Centipede-no, I haven't seen it...

Because I can't stay up till midnight!  I am old and I love sleep more than I love films about people being sewn together mouth to butt.  Shocking, I know.  But Peaches Christ managed to stay up late and watch this "100% Medically Accurate" film (will they be showing this at Med school?)  Check out her review:
And if you are in Austin tonight check out All About Evil with a special 4D experience hosted by Peaches herself. 

I am going back to bed.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Where the hell have I been?

Sorry it has been a while since the last, Cabin Fever 2 didn't throw me off horror.  Thanks for all the non-porn related comments!!  Back soon, I swear: Dead Snow is sitting on my table, just waiting to be watched. 

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Another crap sequel: Cabin Fever 2

I am being kind of harsh.  Cabin Fever2: Spring Fever wasn't that bad.  Well, it was bad enough that Ti West wanted his name taken off the flick and replaced with Alan Smithee, which is understandable, but it has its charms. 

OK, it has it's charms is you love gross-out gore.  Which I don't.  I love gore, don't get me wrong, but I am not really into seeing blood and pus coming out of penises or strippers with infected boobs (sentences like this gets pornographers posting porno links in my comment sections.)  What I did like about this film was the homages to Prom Night and Noah Segan, who I think is super cool and should be in more films.  I mean, did you see him in Deadgirl?  He is awesome!

This film picks up right where the last one left off.  Rider Strong's character (too lazy to look up the name) crawls out of the creek and is immediately hit by a bus.  For this he gets top billing.  Some company has bottled this nasty creek water and sold it to the local high school, which happens to be having it's prom that very night.  Cut to the chase: everyone drinks the nasty water and it soon becomes the prom from hell. 

Now because "Glee" in on in about 10 minutes I will wrap this up quick.  Everyone dies.  The end.  Confession:  I hated the original Cabin Fever.  I thought it was horrible.  I love Hostel I & II.  So for a time I loved Eli Roth.  Now I don't because he is dating Peaches Geldof and that is just weird.  Anyway, I actually liked Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever better than the original which is not saying much because I hate the original.  The pacing in this movie is way off, and although you see some of West's touches (see: House of the Devil)  the film as a whole is just a weird mess.  Some nice gore and Noah Segan is all it has going for it.  If that floats your boat....  Now, off to watch show tunes.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Nightmare on Elm Street: La Remake

I dragged my ass to see A Nightmare on Elm Street today.  I am still exhausted from my night with Peaches Christ and All About Evil.  I went and I realized a very important thing:  I can blame all of my fuck-ups on the fact that I am taking "micro-naps" and therefore dreaming without really sleeping.  I think I had about 10 "micro-naps" during this film, because it was so boring I couldn't help but hallucinate.

I was not anti-remake like so many others, although I do love the original film with all of my twisted, black heart.  I am always willing to check out remakes or sequels of films that I love, if for no other reason that I want to spend more time with these characters.  The only thing that really works in A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 is Jackie Earl Haley as Krueger and Katie Cassidy as Kris.  I love Jackie Earl Haley and would probably see anything he was in.  His Krueger is one pissed off and strangely horny dude who is not as quick with the one-liners as his predecessor.  We get much more back story with this version, and a stronger emphasis on the child-molesting angle that was only hinted at in the original.  The idea is floated that Krueger may have been innocent, hence the reason he is so royally pissed off in the afterlife.

The other thing that works is Katie Cassidy as Kris.  In real life she is only 24 but looks WAY TO OLD to be a high school girl.  Nevertheless, her character is the only one with a little personality .  And I mean very little personality.  But some is better than none.  Rooney Mara's Nancy has got to be the most boring individual seen on screen for quite a while.  She lacks the original Nancy's spunk or will to survive.  Mara's Nancy is a depressing, socially awkward artist.  You are pretty much rooting for her to die the minute you meet her.  Ditto with the rest of the cast, maybe minus Kris, but only because she is wearing great shoes.

People are ripping music video director Samuel Bayer for doing a shitty job.  I don't think the problem is entirely with him.  The film is beautifully shot and there are a few good scares.  The film only lasts about 90 minutes so pacing is not a problem.  The problem is that this is an unnecessary remake which brings nothing new (except some back-story) to the table.  The only thing this film made me want to do is re-watch the original.  Hey, that's a good thing!! 

Now, because it is playoff season, here is my list of NBA personalities that look like the new Freddy Krueger:

 Steve Nash

Dick Bavetta

Yao Ming (cat version.)  Seriously, how much does my cat look like Haley's Krueger?!?

The Descent 2

I really loved The Descent so I was looking forward to the sequel, for no other reason than to see what happened to Sarah after escaping the cave.  Well, in the grand tradition of Aliens Sarah goes right back into the cave, accompanied by a new group of friends (mostly assholes) to face her fears, her past, and the monsters that dwell within. 

It is two days after Sarah, Juno, and the others first entered the unknown cave system. Sarah wakes up in a hospital bed with no memory of what took place.  Her friends are missing, and the local Sheriff wants to know why their blood is all over Sarah's clothes.  When a police dog finds a new entrance into the cave system, three rescue specialists lead Sarah, the Sheriff, and another cop down into the hole, so to speak.  It doesn't take long for them to start finding the bodies of Sarah's friends.  They also soon attract the attention of the Crawlers, who like nothing better than to rip into peoples necks.  Sarah regains her memory pretty quickly and has a major freak-out, causing the Sheriff to fire his gun.  In a cave.  As you can imagine, the cave collapses, trapping one of the rescue workers in a wall of rock and separating the rest of the crew from one another.  Things go from bad to worse when one of Sarah's "friends" turns up alive. 

Although the sequel tries to recreate the sense of claustrophobia and doom of the original, it just doesn't quite get it right.  There were a few scenes that sent my claustrophobic heart racing, but they were nothing original.  The Crawlers, which must number in the thousands because there seems to be a never ending supply, are just not as frightening this time round.   And although it is interesting to see the characters from the first film, some alive, mostly dead, the film mostly falls flat.

I say skip the sequel and re-watch the original.  It is a scary flick.

  On a little side note, I had to change my settings to moderate comments.  Not because anyone was saying anything mean to me, but because someone has been putting links to porn in my comment fields.  Although I love that fact that anyone reads my blog, even pornographers, I have to draw the line.  Thank you, unknown pornographer, for saying nice things about my posts before including your link, but this relationship is over!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

All About Evil

If you ever wondered what a horror film directed by a Drag Queen would be like....wonder no further!!  Joshua Grannell, aka Peaches Christ of SF Midnight Madness fame, brings you her directorial debut: All About Evil.  The Hubby and I were lucky enough to attend the world premiere last night at the beloved Castro Theater. 

First let me say how much fun this was.  This was our first world premiere and it was crazy!! Almost everyone in the audience worked on the film or was in the film (it was shot in San Francisco) and almost the entire cast, including Thomas Dekker, Natasha Lyonne, and Noah Segan (my new Horror Crush) showed up, performed , and answered questions during the "spooktacular" pre-show and post-show hosted by Peaches herself.  We were even treated to a song by Mink Stole!  Also, John Waters was in the audience but I couldn't see him.  It was enough to know I was in the same room.

The film itself is what you would expect: campy, gory, and totally over-the-top.  Natasha Lyonne stars as Deborah (pronounced "de-BORE-ah"), a mousy librarian who has inherited her Father's single screen movie house, The Victoria. The movie was filmed at the actual Victoria Theatre in SF, which we passed on our way home.  Peaches announced that All About Evil would be having a special "interactive" run there in October. 

Deborah's theatre exclusively plays horror, as it always has, catering to a small but loyal crowd including teenager Steven, played by John Conner himself, Thomas Dekker.  Deborah's evil Stepmother arrives and tries to force Deborah to sign over the lease to the theatre so she can sell it.  Deborah, in a fit of rage, murders her Stepmom, an act that is caught on camera.  When the footage of the murder is accidentally shown in the theatre, the audience believes they are seeing the work of a great new talent.

Deborah, assisted by her elderly Projectionist, decides to make more "movies" to bring in the crowds.  She enlists the help of some like minded individuals to help her run the theatre and make more movies.

Throw in a couple of Drag Queens, some over the top Herschell Gordon Lewis type gore and William Castle-like showmanship and you have a film that could be (and aims to be) the next Rocky Horror Picture Show. 

I have no idea how this film will play in middle America, but I can tell you the crowd at the Castro loved it!  It was so nice to be in a room full of people who clapped when a woman got her boob cut off and cheered at every obscure horror film reference thrown into this crazy film.  Natasha Lyonne is amazing, channelling everyone from Bette Davis to Katherine Hepburn.  Cassandra Peterson plays a "normal" role but the film still acknowledges her contribution to the genre.  In short, this is a film made by someone who loves the horror genre, who loves single screen movie houses, and who loves this amazing city.  I can't find fault with this film, but perhaps I am biased because I love all the same things that Peaches does. 

Peaches will be touring with this film all across America and if you get a chance to see her live show I highly suggest you do.  Even if you don't love the movie trust me: you are going to love The Twins.