Sunday, May 31, 2009

"The Virgin Spring" or "The classy version of Last House on the Left."

It is hard to write about another film after seeing "Drag me to Hell." Nothing else can be as much fun. "The Virgin Spring" is just no fun at all. No laughing hysterically, no covering of the eyes, no projectile nose bleeds. But every film can't have a talking goat so lets talk about Ingmar Bergman. Time to get classy.

I watched "The Virgin Spring"not only in an attempt to save or restore some brain cells, but because Craven essentially "re-made" the film as "Last House on the Left." I can just see Craven watching this austere, stark, brilliantly crafted and acted film and thinking "I can do this American style with more raping and gore! I am a sick fuck!" Yes you are Wes Craven, and I love you for it.

Set in medieval Sweden, "The Virgin Spring" tells the story of Karin, a young, naive, spoiled girl who is sent on a journey to deliver candles to the Church by her Father, played by the awesome Max von Sydow. On her journey she encounters three goat herders, who could really care less if those candles get delivered. Bad things happen, as they do, and the goat herders end up taking shelter at von Sydow's estate. It does not take long for the family to realize what happened to their little girl and what role the herders played in her demise. The film then becomes a revenge flick, but nothing like the ones we see today. The violence in this film is devastating. Emotion, when it is showed, is intense. There are no winners here. You don't cheer the Father when he has his revenge. In fact, the actual revenge scene is as cold and disturbing as the rape scene.

Having said that, "The Virgin Spring" is a beautiful and quiet film. Much like a recent Swedish horror film, "Let the right one in." The similarities in tone and temperament between the two films are remarkable. Rather than watch "The Virgin Spring" and "Last House" as a double feature, I would recommend "Spring" with "Let the right one in." Have a classy, Swedish horror night. Then watch "Last House" with "The Hills have Eyes" to undo all that learnin and class.

BTW, Max von Sydow is incredible in this film. Can't take your eyes off him. So handsome and tall and Swedish. Hence, the hysteria! He is still making movies! Go von Sydow!

Drag me to Hell? Yes please!!

I have had a very busy and exciting weekend, hence no insightful review of "The Virgin Spring." It is coming, I promise you!! The most exciting thing I did this weekend was see "Drag Me To Hell," Sam Raimi's "Return to True Horror" or however the hell they are marketing it. I knew I was in love when a little boy gets killed before the opening credits. "Drag Me to Hell" is quite simply the most fun I have had in a movie theatre in a long time. Throughout the whole film I was either laughing hysterically or covering my eyes. "Drag me to Hell" is equal parts gross-out comedy and "shock" horror.
Yes, it is very reminiscent of "Evil Dead II," although a bit more restrained. Alison Lohman plays a young loan officer who is cursed by an old gypsy woman (Lorna Raver, who should win some sort of award.) She has three days to shed the curse before she is "Dragged to Hell." Lohman plays the role straight, and she is a total trooper. Raimi punishes her about as much as he punishes Bruce. After the film half the audience was clapping and half was screaming for their money back (losers.) I wanted to stay and watch it again! Could this be the perfect film? It has a crazy gypsy woman, talking goats, and corpse desecration. It is pretty damn close.

Friday, May 29, 2009

God and the Devil..

Did you know that Max von Sydow is still around? I thought he had passed away! Guy is STILL making movies! And, as far as I know, he is the only actor to play both God and the Devil in separate films. Wait, didn't George Burns play God and the Devil in a film? Seriously, what is cool about Max von Sydow is that you believe him as either God or the Devil! Take that George Burns! Anyway, stay tuned for an insightful review of "The Virgin Spring," which has led me to von Sydow hysteria.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Happy Birthday, are you a Gemini?

Vincent Price and Boris Karloff battle for my eternal affection and favorite "rites" much like Edgar Allan Poe and HP Lovecraft do. Or Romero and Carpenter. Or the Jonas Brothers but I am still really leaning towards Nick. Yes, the young one. Anyway, today is about Vincent. I posted this video a long time ago, but it is one of my favorites and I can't think of a better tribute. Besides going to watch a Vincent Price movie!! So go watch one! May I recommend "Laura," non-horror yes, but totally awesome.

I too, want to wander dark hallways alone and tormented. I actually do, its called going to work.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

I finally caved in to my Netflix guilt and sent back "Benjamin Button". It sat here for 3 weeks, taunting me. I kept finding other things to do instead of watching it, like cleaning the bathroom or alphabetizing my sock drawer. So I have yet to sit for 3 hours watching Brad Pitt age in reverse. It doesn't mean I never will. Now is just not the time. Life is too short. Especially when there is crap like "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" to watch.
I kid. This movie wasn't that bad. I liked it better than the first Underworld sequel, which just gave me a headache. You should not need cliff notes and an illustrated timeline to watch a movie. "Rise of the Lycans" is a prequel (no Kate Beckinsale!) about the beginning of the war between the Vampires and the Lycans (always shouted LYCANNNNSSS!!!!) The film is too dark, like the other two, and the CGI is terrible, like the other two. But this film has a straightforward story, a tragic romance, and decent acting from thespians who look like they are having fun. The great (too great for films like this) Micheal Sheen and Bill Nighy reprise their roles as Lucian and Vicktor. Rhona Mitra plays Sonja, the forbidden object of Lucian's affection. I love Rhona Mitra. I know some people call her a low rent Jolie or Beckinsale, but she will always have a place in my heart due to her role in "Nip/Tuck."
If you are on the fence about this film, or considering watching "Button" instead, let me sell you on the fact that this film has one of the weirdest sex scenes I have ever seen. Totally out of left field and it only lasts a second, I actually had to "rewind" and watch it again. So it has that going for it. Take that Brad Pitt!

I want it now.

I want this book, co-written by Guillermo Del Toro, which comes out on June 2nd. It is about Vampires..

And I am sure they are not "shine like diamonds in the sun" Vampires. This is the first of a planned trilogy, which I am sure will be made into some kick ass films down the road somewhere. I would read or watch anything by this guy. Although I am a little worried that he cast Katie Holmes in a horror flick he is producing... I still trust him.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Jeepers Creepers/Movie Trailers.

Enjoy the song stuck in my head while I muse about the film trailers I saw before "Terminator Salvation."

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Maybe. The trailer looks better on the second viewing, but I am still apprehensive. Purists will hate the re-casting of Holmes as an "Action Hero." 19th Century and "Action Hero" do not really go together. Just look at the "League of Extraordinary Gentleman," which this trailer strangely reminds me of. It also reminds me of the modern "Avengers," which is not good either. Now, I do love Robert Downey Jr, but I don't think he is the end all be all. I didn't really like "Iron Man." Also, the film stars Jude Law, who is the kiss of death. And
Guy Ritche has been having problems lately. But, it is still a maybe.

LAND OF THE LOST: Probably yes. I still love Will Ferrell and I really love Danny McBride. This looks stupid and silly enough for a matinee.

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN: NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, FUCK NO. Screw you Bay. No Way. I would rather see the next Nicholas Sparks film.

UP!: Yes. This looks delightful (and not in the ironic way I usually use that word.) I want to see it even more now that I know a little more about the storyline (very adult actually.) Also, I love the visual shout-out to "The Lost World."

THE HANGOVER: Yes! This film looks hilarous, has a great cast, and has huge buzz. Plus, Mike Tyson singing Genesis. And the trailer made my Mother laugh, and the woman was born without a sense of humor. (Not really, but comedy is just not her thing. Or Action, or Horror, or Drama. She likes Jane Austen and Twilight. That is about it.)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

NIN part deux

Also for my Husband. A better view than the one we had.


This is for my Husband. He tried it, he liked it.


"Thirst," directed by Park Chan-Wook (Oldboy) won the special jury prize at Cannes. Go Korean Vampires!! It looks like a Korean version of "The Thorn Birds," except with more blood.

Outer Dark

Outer Dark is the second novel by Cormac McCarthy. It is a 242 page trip through hell, or to hell, I can't decide which. Both really. The story is set in Appalachia. I love Appalachia stories. I don't know why. Never been there, don't really want to go. Past life thing? Or just too much VC Andrews in my formative years?
Anyway, Outer Dark is the story of Culla and Rinthy Holme, an impoverished, incestuous brother and sister team who go on separate journeys of damnation and redemption. Rinthy is searching for their child that Culla left to die in the woods. Culla, although he says he is searching for his sister, is really trying to escape his sin. Along the way the siblings are shadowed by three mysterious and dangerous strangers. In other words, this is not beach reading.
The following passage is part of the reason I love McCarthy. "What did ye give?" she said. "I'll make it up to ye. Whatever ye give. And that nurse fee." The tinker jerked his arm away. He leaned his face toward her. "Give," he said. "I give a lifetime wanderin in a country where I was despised. Can you give that? I give forty years strapped in front of a cart like a mule till I couldn't stand straight to be hanged. I've got not soul one in this world save a old halfcrazy sister that nobody never would have liked they never would me. I been rocked and shot at and whipped and kicked and dogbit from one end of this state to the other and you cain't pay that back. You ain't got nothin to pay it with. Them accounts is in blood and they ain't nothin in this world to pay em out with."
And more typical of McCarthy: She had begun to keen softly into her hands. The tinker could hear it a long way down the road. He could hear it far over the cold and smoking fields of autumn, his pans knelling in the night like buoys on some dim and barren coast, and he could hear it fading and hear it die lost as the cry of seabirds in the vast and salt black solitudes they keep.
I wish I could write like that. Instead I tend to resort to swearing and overuse of the word "dude." McCarthy is a terrifying and beautiful writer, and I love, love, love him so for it.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

NIN. Or, if you like looking at the back of people's heads you will love this post.

All behold the magic and glory that is Trent Reznor.

So the Hubby and I went to see Nine Inch Nails last night and it was AWESOME, of course, as usual.

They played a very stripped down set, without the usual visual shenanigans, and it was still incredible. They sounded great, probably the best we have ever heard them.

This was our view, not so bad. The first time I saw them my view was obscured by the 10 people laying on top of me due to a tragic mosh pit accident. That was the first and last time I was in the pit for Nine Inch Nails. I can say during this show I was not stepped on, kicked, or groped once.

Look at this bald guy in front of us!! Look at the highlights on the Soccer mom. Seeing this band is very different now than it was 13 years ago.

Of course I am totally past it now myself, so who am I to talk? Tom Morello's new band, "Street Sweeper Social Club" opened, and they were great as well. We were very happy when NIN went on before Jane's Addiction. We didn't stay. How can you follow Trent Reznor? Sorry Jane's Addiction fans: nothing against them, but I am getting old and the chance to get home in time to watch "The Soup" was too enticing.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Starring Michael Ironside (A Terminator Review)

Just got back from two days at the parents house. I took my Mother, who only likes Jane Austin films and "Twilight," to see "Terminator: Salvation." She wanted to see it, I swear!! As you know, the preview for this gave me the night sweats. I was so excited to see it! The first two Terminator films were very, very important to my development as a film nerd. I saw "Terminator 2: Judgement Day" 7 times in the theatre. We will not discuss the third film here. It doesn't exist in the cannon of my mind.

There are many things to love about "Terminator: Salvation," and many things to go "meh" about. First of all the action sequences are INCREDIBLE (Director of Wolverine: Go see this film. This is how you do it.) McG, who I do not hate despite "Charlies Angels" (I admit both films are a guilty pleasure) knows how to blow shit up. And when he blows shit up it has meaning; it's not just noise like Michael Bay (more on the fucking Transformers trailer later.) The pace is relentless. The special effects are top notch. Every penny is obviously up there on the screen. Good job McG.

Second, there are a lot of nods and shout outs to the previous films, which is great for fans. I loved every one. Yes, "I'll be back" is thrown in there.

The best thing about "Terminator: Salvation" is the man on the right. Sam Worthington, who plays Marcus Wright, is the real star of this movie. Bale is great, but his role is relatively small. Marcus Wright is the emotional center of this film. When I read that Bale initially was considering playing the Wright role it made sense. Bale would have been good but Worthington is a revelation. Sam Worthington is going to be a big, big star. Not only is he in Cameron's "Avatar," but he is also in the remake of "Clash of the Titans." Where did this guy come from and where has he been hiding? (Plus: he is really, really cute. Not that his cuteness plays any part in my assessment of his abilities.)

And why did no one tell me Michael Ironside is in this flick? I LOVE this Actor. When I saw his name come up in the credits I knew that the movie would not be total shit. Ironside gets blown up. That is not a spoiler since he dies horribly in every film.

OK, the "meh" part. The characters, with the exception of Marcus Wright, are not well developed, including Connor. Where McG is great at action, he needs a little work on the emotional elements. Every big "emotional" scene falls flat, including the meeting between Connor and his Father. McG lacks the "gravitas" of James Cameron. Yes, I think Cameron usually goes over the top with this, but some is better than none.

A final thought: Quite a bit of the action takes place in the "future" San Francisco. Skynet operates from there. I found it fascinating that Starfleet also operates from there. One city, two very different futures. Now, I must go to bed before I don my Princess Leia outfit and play " World of WarCraft" or some shit like that. I swear to god I can nerd out so damn fast...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Take that Martyrs..

God, everyone has their panties in a bunch over Lars von Trier's "Antichrist." Really, it wouldn't be Cannes if people were not walking out of films and reporters were getting in shouting matches. Three words: Explicit Sexual Gore. And, I assume, William Dafoe is naked. Sign me up. The film was just purchased by IFC so we will get a chance to see it. Check out old Eberts article:

And here is the trailer again, in case you forgot..

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Burrowers

1879. The Dakota Territories. A young Irishman comes across a gruesome scene: A family slaughtered. Another family missing. The young man, named Coffey, assembles a rag-tag crew to find his missing fiancee. It is race against time and character development. Really, this movie was a big disappointment. The director, JT Petty, has a great concept. A species, unknown to the white man, that poisons its prey, rendering it paralyzed but awake. Said prey (the fiancee and anyone else unfortunate enough to cross its path) is then buried and allowed to rot, so that the "blood becomes thick and the organs soft." Prey is then eaten: alive! How could you go wrong? And its a Western! A Western/monster/horror hybrid! But wrong it goes. The main problem is with the characters. I just didn't care about them. The bad guy wasn't bad enough, I wanted the good guy to get eaten, and the others (including Clancy Brown and William Mapother, two genre favorites) are wasted. Petty takes a Jaws/Descent attitude to the Monster itself. You see bits and pieces of it, but never the whole thing until the end. And they look like giant sperm with grasshopper legs. Throw in a quasi-environmental message, and you lost me. 3 things I liked about this film: #1: the line "There is something scratching inside her." #2 Doug Hutchison, whom I loved since he played Tooms in X-files, plays a bad-ass. #3 Serious and unexpected head-trauma about 1/2 way through. I mean "Irreversible" level head trauma.

So to summarize, great concept, so-so execution, but bravo for bringing back the Western/monster/horror film! And Thank You, JT Petty, for casting Dough Hutchison. He needs to be in more movies. He is great and he looks like my friend Steve. Also, shame on you for killing not one but two horses (in the film, I am sure you would never hurt a real horse,) but Thank You for letting Tom Cruise's cousin be eaten alive.

Saturday, May 16, 2009


The long delayed adaptation of "The Road" is finally hitting theatres in October. I am not sure how I feel about this trailer. It certainly did not give me goosebumps (ala Terminator: Salvation.) I might be predisposed to dislike this film, because I loved the book so very much. It looks like the studio is positioning it as a "horror/action" film. Whatever. I will go see it. I love Viggo Mortensen and Nick Cave is doing the music, so how bad can it be? But why the hell is Charlize Theron being featured? Really, her role should be nothing more than a cameo. I get it, they need to sell tickets. Alright. Read the book!

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Raven

This is nice, check it out: I am memorizing this poem right now ( I figured I ought to accomplish something in this life.) I am to "Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly." If I could recite it like this I would die happy. But I really just sound like a Valley Girl. I have to work on that.
For lack of a better picture.
The ONLY thing I like about Facebook so far is taking the quizzes, like "What kind of 'I don't give a fuck, I'll eat you' Sea Creature are you?" I would be a Bat Shit Crazy Shark. Being labeled a Bat Shit Crazy Shark (I was also labeled a Final Girl but no surprise there, except in instance of Zombie Attack, in which I am planning to sacrifice my life to save my cat (and husband) and turn full Zombie) is the best thing about Facebook. The rest is total crap. Now I have to go and think about watching "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." I am having total Netflix guilt about it. It has been sitting here and sitting here, while other movies come and go. Now, I like David Fincher's work (although I thought Zodiac terribly overrated) and I have nothing against Brad Pitt, but the movie is 3 Fucking Hours Long. Unless there is head trauma or flesh eating my attention span is very short these days. Wait, is there flesh eating in this flick?

This movie will have a better plot than Saw 6

Or is it only Saw V? I have totally lost count. The last Saw was the first one I didn't see in the theatres, and only because I am piss poor and it was eat or see Saw. Anyway, this preview (I think this is a real documentary) does look better than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. If I have to seen that damn preview one more time I swear to God I am going to shit bricks. Yes, Megan Fox is hot, Shia LaBouf is a douche, and lots of things explode. What really pisses me off about this preview is that it is proof that I am getting old. It looks too loud. Too much fire. And shiny colors. I would probably have to call my Nephew and have him explain the plot. Which is why I will go see the next Saw. No one will have to explain that plot to me.

And I hope the cat wins.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

ZAM Worldwide

Wow, I just found out one of my favorite Horror Bloggers linked to my site! I haven't felt this accepted since I made the Cheerleading Squad as a freshman in high school. Of course I was kicked off the squad by the time basketball season began (true story.) Now that I know I have more than 5 readers I guess I will have to start really trying rather than half-assing it. Please, 5 readers, don't think I didn't give you my all. I just mean that now I will use spell check and look up actors names instead of saying "the dude from Heroes."

Lunch show at Legoland

This is so wrong. Thanks to Rue Morgue for bringing this to my attention. Their website is much improved and they have really freaky Art there that you can buy for cheap. I think a beautiful framed photograph of a little girl getting attacked by a Ghoulish Clown with Claws is just what my living room needs.

My Busy Week..

I have had a very busy week. Worked at the Stanford Pow Wow all weekend, which was very fun and very messy. I came home Sunday night caked with 7 layers of dirt. Anyway, this awesome picture was taken by my Husband, and is indicative of the incredible cuteness on display all weekend. My Mother also came up and had fun flirting with all the cute dancers.
I also saw "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," which was much better than I thought it would be (the reviews were pretty bad.) My only problem with it is that for a big budget film, the effects are pretty cheap. But it is cool because everybody dies and there is a decapitation at the end. (That was not really a spoiler.)

Why are all of these people looking down? Deadpool and Gambit (the two dudes on the left) were the best characters in the film (including Wolverine.) If you go see it, you MUST stay all the way through the end credits.

I also saw "Star Trek" which was absolutely wonderful. I can't wait to see it again. It was fresh, funny, and exciting.

The actors they got to play the crew are all perfect, especially Karl Urban as Bones and the guy from Heroes as Spock. He is not in this picture because they are all looking at him, in case you were wondering. There are no decapitations in this film.

I also finished the book "Julia," written by Peter Straub. I like his work, but I hate his depictions of women. Even in his most recent books, the heroines are all hysterical messes. They deserve to be haunted!

So that was my busy week. I now leave you with a preview of what may be the best film ever made. Enjoy.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Wrong in the head...

I must be sick. I really want to see "Martyrs" again.

I have Dengue Fever..

Now that Swine Flu is passe (there goes my Zombie apocalypse....this year) I have Dengue Fever!! Not really but I love the band, and I especially love the band when they play live soundtracks to kick ass films like "The Lost World" at the WORLD FAMOUS Castro theatre!!
I saw "The Lost World" but years ago! It is like going to a rock concert with a live band playing to the film! And you know what is really cool about this flick? Yes, there are moments you laugh, but really, it stands the test of time. In my mind this flick was more exciting than that piece of shit Jurassic Park sequel that aped the name.

And now, for a Louis Armstrong story. Louis was playing at a Cabaret in Switzerland. Well, it was between sets and Louis was leaning back, watching the scene, having a drink. This waiter passed by him and smiled. Louis smiled back and said "Solid." Well, the waiter passed by two more times, each time grinning ear to ear. Each time Louis would smile back and say "Solid." After the third pass the waiter went into the kitchen and brought out an enormous "salad" for Louis. This story is really cool when you hear Louis tell it!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Lost World

We are going to so see this tonight. Check out the article:,37&pageid=924 It should be pretty fun. But, because it is going to require me to stay out past 10pm, I need to go take a nap right now! It is a BITCH getting old.

Motivators vs Monkey Fighters

This might be the greatest thing I have ever seen (today.)

Sunday, May 3, 2009


This film is really, really good. I would say I "loved" it but that doesn't seem quite right. I would never watch it again, I didn't "enjoy" it, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone (well, maybe a select few.)

Nevertheless, the film is amazing and probably the best horror film I will see all year (in fact I can pretty much guarantee it.) Yes, it is brutal, especially the last 20 minutes. There is nothing here that is any worse than in any of the SAW films, but the impact of what you are seeing is much greater. To begin with you really "care" about the main character, Anna. She is the Saint, the Martyr, of the film. By the time the last 20 minutes roll around you are so identified with her that the suffering she endures (and it is a lot and very graphic) hits like a ton of bricks.

Perhaps I came to this film knowing too much about it. I would have liked to watch it with a clean slate. Perhaps it would of had a greater impact. I knew it(the brutality) was going to get worse , and although that anticipation was thrilling, the impact would have been greater had I not known what was going to happen. Having said that, I didn't think it was as "horrible" as some have let on. I didn't feel faint or want to throw up. I don't think I have suffered any severe emotional damage (no more than usual.) I watched it with Tanya, and she knew nothing about the film. She enjoyed it (is that the right word?) as well. Which got me to thinking: Do women experience this film differently than men? I think this is a "women's" film. It is a chick flick. A horrible, horrible chick flick. You have to see it to know what I am talking about, but a warning: anyone who does not appreciate horror and sees this film will think I am a sick, sick bitch. You would probably be right!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Told you so..

Check it out: Got the link from my new favorite horror blog: Day of the Woman. Later: my "Marytrs" review! I survived, with very little emotional damage!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Humpty via Edgar

I am off today, and there is some kind of game going on at Stanford (Lacrosse or something like that.) The people cheering sounds like terrified screaming off in the distance. That gets my mind reeling and of course I am thinking: Zombies. And I am thinking how totally screwed I am in this apartment. Then I watched this and felt better.