Sunday, December 29, 2013

The best thing I saw in 2013.

I never wrote a review of this.  It has been a tough year for finding time to write.  However, this particular scene made me so happy I wanted to jump with joy.  I literally jumped off the couch.  If you have seen The Conjuring you know what I am talking about.  Long live horror!!

Spoilers and Japanese subtitles below!

You're Next! Lucky You!!!!

I am going to assume that if my house is ever invaded or I find my myself in the middle of a Zombie Apocalypse (please, please, please) that I am going to be a pretty bad ass bitch that takes over and starts taking care of business.  Of course, I can only assume this based on the fact that I remain pretty calm under pressure and I have seen a lot of horror films.  I am going to be a lot like Erin in the film You're Next.  Of course, Erin was raised by a survivalist nut job in Australia, thus the explanation as to why a mild mannered Lit Major turns into a killing machine during a home invasion and I was raised by a Truck Driver and a Bus Driver in the suburbs and I am afraid of spiders.   But, I am pretty sure I would be OK because at this stage in the game I am completely unafraid of strangers wearing stupid masks and trying to invade my home.  I lived through it in The Strangers and I saw the trailer for The Purge, so I am prepared. 

You're Next was filmed in 2011 but only released this year.  There is a current genre of film called "Mumblecore" which I hate only a little less than Dogme 95.  From what I understand this is the horror version of Mumblecore, but I am really to lazy to verify that.  If Mumblecore focuses on stories about rich white entitled people you can't stand then this film surely fits the definition.  The only character that you are not actively rooting for to die is the above mentioned Erin.

Erin goes to her "not hot enough for her but I think is some Mumblecore Director so he got the part" boyfriend's family home for an Anniversary party.  This upper middle class WASP family bought a mansion out in the middle of nowhere, as you do, and decided to gather there for a family reunion.  The only logical thing to happen in situation like this is for some dude in a bunny mask (?) to start shooting this annoying family with a crossbow.  Lucky for us that happens!  Yeah!

Erin, the only one without the silver spoon up her ass, takes charge and tries to save the family from the threat all around them.  Why she does this I will never know. 

You're Next has some interesting, original scenes but on the whole the film was rather boring and predictable.  I feel like it was made by filmmakers that know nothing about horror but thought it would be cool to make a horror film because, you know, they could do it so much better.  I was pretty annoyed during the whole thing.  Enough with the stupid masks!  If you are going to terrorize me and try to invade my home, just do it ala Funny Games.  That film is scarier that all the rest of this other shit combined.

I accidentally looked up Mumblecore and this horror genre is called Mumblegore.  I hate it even more.  Disclaimer: I saw Francis Ha and kind of liked it.  And I like Girls, which I am sure is as annoying as these films.  You could say my views on Mumblecore are "evolving."  No.  I still hate it.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Doctor Sleep

 OH MY GOD the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead was devastating.  I need therapy.  Kudos all around: the show just gets better and better...

But I am not here to talk about The Walking Dead.  I am here to talk about Doctor Sleep, the much anticipated sequel to The Shining written by everyone's  favorite Uncle, Stephen King.  Lets start with how great the book cover is!  It took me a while to even notice the woman's face.  Now lets move on to how dumb the title is!  Doctor Sleep, really Uncle Steve?  It sounds like a Motley Crue song. 

So, I love Stephen King.  How could you not?  He is brilliant, accessible, and when he wants to be, scary as hell.  Doctor Sleep ventures into the "scary as hell" territory.  Not as much as say, It, but it is there.  I remember when I first read The Stand, (always and forever one of my favorite books)  I would actually avoid it.  I would put if off reading the next chapter.  This was for two reasons-  One: the book was so good I didn't want it to end.  Two: I couldn't handle what might be next.  It's like watching The Walking Dead: fucking incredible but painful as hell.

I had snippets of those feelings while reading Doctor Sleep.  King revisits The Shining many times in this novel.  Its like catching up with an old friend.  We join Danny as an adult: alcoholic, close to rock bottom, still tormented by the ghosts of his past.  It takes a little girl, Abra, with similar powers, to give Danny a purpose.

The big bad is named "Rose the Hat."  Yes, another stupid name, but she is one scary bitch.  Her and her tribe live off the "steam" of those who have the Shining.  How they never found Danny I will never know, but they have found Abra, and it is up to Danny to save her.

I recommend Doctor Sleep to those who have a deep affection for The Shining.  If you haven't read The Shining- don't bother with this.  It won't make much sense.  Watching the movie doesn't count.  It really won't make sense then.  Or do whatever the hell you want.  I don't give a fuck.