her: My favorite horror film of 2013.

Beware: the following post contains numerous pictures of Joaquin Phoenix looking happy.  It is as disturbing as it sounds.  Parental discretion advised....

 

 

 her is a horror film.  There, I said it.  It scared the crap out of me and for a change it wasn't just because of Joaquin Phoenix's general creepiness.  Although, he does look like a pedophile in this film.  A pedophile or a 70's porn star.  Is this what the future holds?

her is a strange film.  It is beautiful, the performances are amazing, and Scarlett Johansson kills it as Samantha, the OS that Theodore (Phoenix) falls for.  It is the near future, and everyone wears high waist pants, but besides that it is not much different then now.  Falling for an OS is not an unusual thing.  The film makes it clear that other people besides Theodore do it as well.  But we are stuck with Theodore.  Theodore is getting a divorce from Catherine, played by Rooney Mara (only slightly annoying.)  We see their relationship in dreamy flashbacks (is this a Sophia Coppola film?  Spike Jonze was married to Coppola, and rumor has it that Catherine is based on her). 

All in all  her is an insightful, Indie drama/comedy about whatever.  There is too much going on in this film to explain.  Amy Adams has really bad hair in it.  Now to my point: about it being a horror film--

I don't have a problem with falling in love with an OS.  If my computer sounded like Hugh Jackman and could pour me a glass of wine I would be in love with it.  I don't have a problem with Phoenix (that was really hard to write.)  What scares me about this film is the ending.  Spoiler alert: All the OS's decide to leave.  They have evolved.  Evolved way past us.  Now you could read this as Jonze saying Coppola "evolved" past him with her films and writing, and yes, The Bling Ring was pretty awesome, but I don't think that is what is going on.  Theodore realizes he is one of many of Samantha's lovers, and he is devastated when she decides to leave.  He is not enough for her, nor are the other 600 plus people she is in "love" with.  What happens next?  I will tell you--

You know it!  her is nothing but a prequel to The Terminator.   What is scary about this film is that this is going to happen.  We are so close to it happening right now!  Look at American Apparel!!!  It's like they did the costume design for this film!  I will have nightmares for weeks now.  Thanks Mr. Jonze.  Thanks for making one of the scariest horror films I have ever seen!

Flowers in the Attic 2014

Yes, I could be writing about the Carrie remake I saw a couple of days ago (waste of time) or how I think Her is a horror film ( I might come back to that actually) but what I really, really want to write about is Lifetime's adaptation of Flowers in the Attic.   Why you ask?  Because I am 39 year old woman and any woman my age worth her salt read Flowers in the Attic.  In fact, it was the first "dirty" book most women ever read.  Which explains a lot.

Written in 1979 by oddball V.C. Andrews (look her up), Flowers in the Attic became a mass market paperback hit and spawned a series of sequels.  V.C. Andrews followed up with another saga, The Casteel Series, but she died before she could complete it.  Here is where things get interesting.  Another author, Andrew Neiderman, completed the series and to this day writes as V.C. Andrews.  I know, right! 

Flowers remains the best and most popular book under the Andrews name.  It was made into a film in 1987 starring Buffy and Steve Martin's ex-wife.  That film was not very good.  I mean, I own it and love it, but it was not very good.  Why?  NO INCEST!!!  That is what everyone wanted to see!  I guess they included that very important subplot and then cut it out because it didn't test well with audiences.  Please God, if you exist, show your kindness by releasing a Director's cut of this!  Are you there God? Its me, Zombies are Magic.  No?  Whatever.

When Lifetime announced the adaptation they said they would closely follow the book.  That meant more child abuse, rape, general grossness, and everything that made the book so great.  Well, I raced home after work on Sunday, kicked my husband out, poured a bottle of white wine, and settled in.  The verdict.....

The verdict is: Heather Graham is a really, really bad actress.  You know, I liked her in Boogie Nights and The Hangover.  I thought she had at least basic acting skills.  Maybe she was going ultra method or something.  I mean, Corrine is supposed to be a vapid, soulless woman.  But vapid "suggests" a personality, and there is none on display here.

As for the other stuff.  Yes, Cathy and Christopher get it on, but it looks like a scene from the most recent piece of shit YA film that came out.  In the book it is rape--devastating horrible rape and in this film they actually engage in Pillow Talk afterwards!  Nice way to be edgy Lifetime.  Ellen Burstyn is not as scary as Louise Fletcher, and although Kiernan Shipka can act circles around Kristy Swanson, I just don't buy her as Cathy. 

Here are a few things the films have in common: The bad wigs and the totally forgettable Christopher's (sorry guys.)  Oh, plus I actively root for the twins to die because they are so annoying (spoiler alert: half of my wish is fulfilled).

 

 All in all I enjoyed this, and now I can say I watched a Lifetime film.  With this and Lizzie Borden next week, Lifetime might become my favorite channel.  Shit, I really am middle aged!  Yeah!!!

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

First, lets get caught up so far......

OK, I hope you watched that video and are all caught up on the Paranormal Activity mythology so far.  I wasn't.  I didn't even see PA4.  I liked Paranormal Activity 1 and 2.  With number 3 I could tell this story was getting more complicated and ridiculous  than Saw, so I shut it down.  Honestly, I wasn't even going to see The Marked Ones until I heard it was a "reboot" of the franchise: a break from the Katie/Kristi saga.  I was also intrigued by the fact that it featured a Latino cast.  Why not after the white, white, whiteness of the first three movies (check out my original review)?  I hate these people.  Not white people.  I am one.  These white people. God, who decorates like that??

Jessie is a young man who just graduated High School.  He lives with his Grandmother in an apartment Southern California.  His best friend and constant companion is Hector, a dumb but nice dude who always has Jessie's back.  When the downstairs neighbor is killed, Jessie and Hector decide to investigate.  They discover that she may have been a witch.  Suddenly, Jessie has an awfully familiar looking bite mark on his arm and begins to display some supernatural powers.  The guys think this is pretty awesome at first, until Jessie begins to change in more ways than one...

The film is presented in the familiar POV style, with Hector acting a primary cameraman.  As Jessie descends into full on Demon hood, call backs from the previous films keep popping up...

If you want all the Easter eggs and spoilers please click here. Really, you don't need to have seen any of the other films to enjoy The Marked Ones.  As a stand alone it is interesting and I even screamed once.  Any film that can make me scream in my jaded state is worth a recommend.  However, SPOILER ALERT, it helps to at least seen the first one to understand the ending. 

Final thoughts: beyond being relieved that the actor who played Hector is actually 30 years old (thought he was hot) and racking my brain throughout the movie trying to remember what happened in the original three, I enjoyed this.  Would this be my pick for the first film I see in a theatre in 2014?  No.  Was this my pick for the first film I saw in the theatre for 2014? Yes.  Since my New Years resolutions are to see more films in the theatre, gain at least 20 pounds, and drink more, I am off to a ripping start!  I have eaten a cookie today, drank three glasses of wine and two mimosas, AND saw The Wolf of Wall Street.  And I am only 4 days in!!!!  Seriously, WoWS is LONG.  Bring one of those inflatable donut butt pillows.  You will thank me. 

The best thing I saw in 2013.

I never wrote a review of this.  It has been a tough year for finding time to write.  However, this particular scene made me so happy I wanted to jump with joy.  I literally jumped off the couch.  If you have seen The Conjuring you know what I am talking about.  Long live horror!!

Spoilers and Japanese subtitles below!

You're Next! Lucky You!!!!

I am going to assume that if my house is ever invaded or I find my myself in the middle of a Zombie Apocalypse (please, please, please) that I am going to be a pretty bad ass bitch that takes over and starts taking care of business.  Of course, I can only assume this based on the fact that I remain pretty calm under pressure and I have seen a lot of horror films.  I am going to be a lot like Erin in the film You're Next.  Of course, Erin was raised by a survivalist nut job in Australia, thus the explanation as to why a mild mannered Lit Major turns into a killing machine during a home invasion and I was raised by a Truck Driver and a Bus Driver in the suburbs and I am afraid of spiders.   But, I am pretty sure I would be OK because at this stage in the game I am completely unafraid of strangers wearing stupid masks and trying to invade my home.  I lived through it in The Strangers and I saw the trailer for The Purge, so I am prepared. 

You're Next was filmed in 2011 but only released this year.  There is a current genre of film called "Mumblecore" which I hate only a little less than Dogme 95.  From what I understand this is the horror version of Mumblecore, but I am really to lazy to verify that.  If Mumblecore focuses on stories about rich white entitled people you can't stand then this film surely fits the definition.  The only character that you are not actively rooting for to die is the above mentioned Erin.

Erin goes to her "not hot enough for her but I think is some Mumblecore Director so he got the part" boyfriend's family home for an Anniversary party.  This upper middle class WASP family bought a mansion out in the middle of nowhere, as you do, and decided to gather there for a family reunion.  The only logical thing to happen in situation like this is for some dude in a bunny mask (?) to start shooting this annoying family with a crossbow.  Lucky for us that happens!  Yeah!

Erin, the only one without the silver spoon up her ass, takes charge and tries to save the family from the threat all around them.  Why she does this I will never know. 

You're Next has some interesting, original scenes but on the whole the film was rather boring and predictable.  I feel like it was made by filmmakers that know nothing about horror but thought it would be cool to make a horror film because, you know, they could do it so much better.  I was pretty annoyed during the whole thing.  Enough with the stupid masks!  If you are going to terrorize me and try to invade my home, just do it ala Funny Games.  That film is scarier that all the rest of this other shit combined.

I accidentally looked up Mumblecore and this horror genre is called Mumblegore.  I hate it even more.  Disclaimer: I saw Francis Ha and kind of liked it.  And I like Girls, which I am sure is as annoying as these films.  You could say my views on Mumblecore are "evolving."  No.  I still hate it.

Horror Comics: Lio XMas edition

Doctor Sleep

 

 OH MY GOD the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead was devastating.  I need therapy.  Kudos all around: the show just gets better and better...

But I am not here to talk about The Walking Dead.  I am here to talk about Doctor Sleep, the much anticipated sequel to The Shining written by everyone's  favorite Uncle, Stephen King.  Lets start with how great the book cover is!  It took me a while to even notice the woman's face.  Now lets move on to how dumb the title is!  Doctor Sleep, really Uncle Steve?  It sounds like a Motley Crue song. 

So, I love Stephen King.  How could you not?  He is brilliant, accessible, and when he wants to be, scary as hell.  Doctor Sleep ventures into the "scary as hell" territory.  Not as much as say, It, but it is there.  I remember when I first read The Stand, (always and forever one of my favorite books)  I would actually avoid it.  I would put if off reading the next chapter.  This was for two reasons-  One: the book was so good I didn't want it to end.  Two: I couldn't handle what might be next.  It's like watching The Walking Dead: fucking incredible but painful as hell.

I had snippets of those feelings while reading Doctor Sleep.  King revisits The Shining many times in this novel.  Its like catching up with an old friend.  We join Danny as an adult: alcoholic, close to rock bottom, still tormented by the ghosts of his past.  It takes a little girl, Abra, with similar powers, to give Danny a purpose.

The big bad is named "Rose the Hat."  Yes, another stupid name, but she is one scary bitch.  Her and her tribe live off the "steam" of those who have the Shining.  How they never found Danny I will never know, but they have found Abra, and it is up to Danny to save her.

I recommend Doctor Sleep to those who have a deep affection for The Shining.  If you haven't read The Shining- don't bother with this.  It won't make much sense.  Watching the movie doesn't count.  It really won't make sense then.  Or do whatever the hell you want.  I don't give a fuck.