Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Death Tunnel: So's just bad.

Yuck. I have been putting off writing about this for days. This blog was supposed to be fun ya know? Not torturous. But I have seen it and I feel I owe it to people who might be in the video store or online staring at their Queue and wondering "I wonder if Death Tunnel is any good?" It is for you that I am about to revisit one of the most painful recent experiences I have had. I am ready. I have had a (8) beer(s), and I am ready to face: Death Tunnel!!!

Let me first say that if you rent/buy/steal this movie because you want to see a Death Tunnel, you are going to be very disappointed. They don't make it into the actual Death Tunnel till the last 5 minutes of the film and at that point you have really given up all hope. Next bit of advice: if you see this movie at your local used record/dvd store for $3.95 and think "Let's buy that! It will be fun." Don't. Just don't. Because it will become part of your collection, a bigger embarrassment than Breakin or The Phantom Menace.

This was the look on my face while watching Death Tunnel
Death Tunnel was filmed at the Waverly Hills Sanatorium. Before the opening credits there is a little scroll explaining that in the 20's and 30's thousands of people died there during the "white plague." The amount of corpses was so great that the administrators built a "death tunnel" underneath the sanatorium to cart out the corpses. So far, so good. Unfortunately the film falls apart during the opening credits. I was already getting a headache from the editing and music. It just gets worse when we meet the actors, who although I am sure they are wonderful people look like they just finished shooting a low-rent porno. And although I am sure the actors have good hearts and are kind to animals they can't "act" worth a shit. And although I am sure the Director/Writers donate to charity and call their Mothers once a week they actually can't Direct/write either. And don't get me started on the editing. Death Tunnel is a weird hybrid/rip-off of the following films: Seven, Saw, The Shining, Session 9, Ferngully, Dances With Wolves, and Sorority Row.
I really hate to write such a negative review--but this film pissed me off. I was hoping for "so bad it's good." Nope. So bad it's just bad. Now, if you do find yourself watching Death Tunnel, may I suggest the following drinking games:
Take a shot everytime a disembodied voice does the girl/floor/hour count. Example: "5 Girls, 5 Floors, 5 Hours."
Take a shot everytime a blond screams or cries. You will be passed out in about 10 minutes.
Take a shot everytime you find yourself totally confused about what is going on. Again, passed out in 10 minutes.

Did Bloody Disgusting really call it "just damn scary?" Did I see the same movie?


Chris Regan said...

Too late, I've already seen it! I think what makes it worse is that the idea of the death tunnel combined with the awesome location could've made a really interesting, spooky film. Instead it's just bad, and you're right in saying that it's not even enjoyably bad but just plain bad. If only I'd read this a year ago!

Jen said...

I am sorry you were subjected to this Chris..But I am glad to know that I am not alone- someone has shared the horror of watching Death Tunnel...

Franco Macabro said...

Im curious as to how Ferngully fits into your comparison, but anyways, I remember the director going on a website to promote the film, telling his story about the haunted bulding or something.

A scary location does not make a good movie.

Christine Hadden said...

Sooooooo awful. I would rather poke my eyes out with needles than watch this poor excuse for a movie again.
God, I wanted it to be good, too. With a great location and the true legends behind it, this movie could have been truly frightening.
Instead.....well, you know now as well as I do what we got.

Dwido said...

I fell asleep, but sadly, only
once. My bad!

Shoshanah Marohn said...

Dances with Wolves, too? Wow. I can't even imagine. Thanks for the heads up!

Jen said...

Yes, much like James Cameron the filmmakers behind Death Tunnel ripped off Ferngully and Dances with Wolves. I had a few beers when I wrote that and I thought it was HYSTERICAL at the time.