Countess Dracula 1971

Sorry it has been a while.  I have been going through the seven stages of grief over the end of The Walking Dead.  I have exited the "Depression" stage and now and entering the "Acceptance and Hope" stage.  The fact that Game of Thrones begins Sunday is helping a lot with my grief.  Also helping me is the beautiful Ingrid Pitt, my number one girl crush and star of Hammer's 1971 film Countess Dracula.

Inspired by the legendary Elizabeth Bathory (the original "Woman behaving Badly") Countess Dracula tells the story of Elisabeth Nadasdy, a 17th century Hungarian Noblewoman who has recently lost her husband.  And her looks. 

That is of little importance as she has been carrying on an affair with her Stewart Captain Dobi.

My God isn't he creepy!?!  Dobi (played by Nigel Green) is Elisabeth's lackey, and will do anything for a sweet, sweet piece of old Ingrid Pitt.  Everything is going well until Elisabeth gets a load of Lt. Imre Toth, a hot young soldier who was the son of her husband's best friend.  From this point on Lt. Toth, played by Sandor Eles, is my movie boyfriend.  He is tall and strange looking and has a weird nose, all traits I find very attractive.

So it bugged me because Sandor Eles looks so familiar.  IMDB was not a help.  I think he looks like a mix of Paul Rudd, Trend Reznor, Owen Wilson, and the dude from Gladiator with a scar on his face.  Anyway, he is young and horny and flirts with the old Elisabeth.  When Elisabeth "accidentally" cuts one of her female servants (she's kind of a bitch) she realizes that the young girls blood can make her look young again.

She kills the young girl and quickly seduces young Toth, who believes her to be Elisabeth's daughter, Ilona.  Ilona has been away at convent school or some other such shit for years, so the whole town believes that the new young Elisabeth is Ilona.  The messed up thing is that Elisabeth arraigned to have the real Ilona kidnapped so as not to expose her.  The real Ilona is played by Lesley-Anne Down, my new second girl crush.

So she looks like a mix of Patsy Kinset and Alicia Silverstone.  I had to IMBD her as well just to make sure she wasn't Patsy's mother.  Lesley-Anne Down starred in American soap operas for years which makes sense, because Countess Dracula is like one long soap opera. 

Elisabeth soon discovers that if she does not keep killing virgins and "loofa-ing" in their blood she will turn old again, and young Toth will not be interested.  She enlists the help of Dobi, and eventually Toth learns her horrible, horrible secret (it sucks when you walk in on your lover bathing in virgin blood.)  Elisabeth blackmails Toth into marrying her (soap opera!) but the luckily the real Ilona arrives in time to throw a wrench into the whole wicked plan.  Here is what is really messed up: Elisabeth tries to kill Ilona!!! What a bitch.

Countess Dracula has everything you could want in a Hammer film: blood, boobs, castles, and Ingrid Pitt.  Actually, the boobage is kept to a minimum, which is surprising given the subject matter.  I liked this film because I had a crush on everyone in it (except for Dobi) and it was based on historical "fact."  Yes, I am cracking up at that as well.  Ingrid Pitt is so charismatic I could watch her shill for toilet paper and be pretty happy.  

The Vampire Lovers

I have seen perfection and it is Ingrid Pitt.  Really, how awesome is she?  I have seen a few films with her in it, such as The Wicker Man and I am sure something else, but after seeing The Vampire Lovers I am 100% totally in love with her.  She IS this movie.

So any horror nerd worth their salt has seen The Vampire Lovers.  I am only a horror nerd apprentice.  I have never claimed to be anything more.  I can't speak with authority on shit, and I don't claim to.  Seeing The Vampire Lovers was like a horror nerd revelation to me.  Now, it may just be the 3 glasses of wine after a shitty day of work talking, but this was almost life changing.  OK, that was definitely the 3 glasses of wine talking.

So this amazing Hammer production from 1970 is based on J. Sheridan Le Fanu's short story "Carmilla."  Written years before "Dracula," this was not only an early vampire story, but one of the first "lesbian" themed stories that would become so popular.  The film actually follows the story pretty well.  Pitt plays Marcilla/Carmilla, a mysterious woman who is always getting pushed upon wealthy families by her mother.  See, Mom always has an emergency to get to, and wouldn't it be nice if this very wealthy family takes this hot young piece in for a few weeks.  They always agree. 

Carmilla has a thing for the young women in the family and a thing for blood, which pisses off certain people like Peter Cushing's General.  The Vampire Lovers has anything you could ever want in a Hammer film: crumbling castles, Peter Cushing, hot chicks, boobs, blood, characters that appear and then disappear and you can't figure out what they were there for, and amazing cinematography and music.  Really, this is as close to a perfect film as you can get.  I heart Ingrid Pitt, I really do.  I am closer to becoming the horror nerd I was always meant to be.