Cannibal Holocaust: With 100% more Penis than "Up"

Forgive me if I make less sense than usual: I still have the plague. But nothing, and I mean nothing, will stop me from writing about Cannibal Holocaust and then being through with it forever!!! Cannibal Holocaust is about a professor, Harold Monroe, who travels to "primitive Amazonia" to track down 4 documentarians who have gone missing. These documentary filmmakers, who are named Alan, Faye, Jack, and Mark (there will be a test later) traveled to the "green inferno," an area so ghastly that no white man has ever returned from it. It is so horrible because...... wait for it......... Cannibals live there!!! Yes, Virginia, there are Cannibals in Cannibal Holocaust, along with a whole lot of penis. But more on that later. Monroe survives the green inferno, despite looking like he is coming down from a crack high, and he finds not only the remains of the 4 idiots, but their film canisters. This is the first part of the film. In this section we see: 1 animal killed (for real,) countless boobies, one scene of cannibalism, and two penises, including Monroe's. The actor playing him, Robert Kerman, was a porn star, so it was natural for him to pull it out.

The second half of the film is the reveal of the film footage. We get to know Alan (who looks like Rick Springfield,) Faye, Jack, and Mark, and we quickly come to the conclusion that they are total douchbags and deserve to get eaten!!! Wish fulfilled!! But not until we see 4 more animals killed (again, for real,) more penis and boobies, a whole lot of raping, and a girl impaled on a wooden pole (the iconic image above.) Monroe and the suits of the network that were considering airing this footage decide to burn it, and we are left with the question: who are the real cannibals?

I was left with the question: Why didn't I realize there was an "animal cruelty-free" version of this film on the DVD? The animal killing is really graphic and awful. I felt like saying a little prayer for each and every one. Thank God he didn't kill the sloth or I would have turned it off right there and then. The director, Ruggero Deodato, says he now regrets "getting animals involved." I guess the reasoning behind it is if the audience knew that the animals were really getting killed, then they might think that the humans were really getting killed. In fact, Deodato had to prove that the actors were still alive and he didn't make a snuff film. He did get busted for the animal cruelty, so there is a little justice.

Having gotten that out of the way, I have to say I liked this film. It, of course, predates "Blair Witch" and "Paranormal Activity" in the "found footage" genre, which I happen to enjoy. It also belongs to the "cannibalism genre," which I am not that familiar with. Thank goodness for Netflix and an understanding husband. The film is interesting and there is tension throughout. I wanted to keep watching it, despite all of the horrible things onscreen. My advice to Cannibal Holocaust virgins is: if you think you want to watch it, watch the cruelty-free version. You don't miss anything. Make sure there are not animals or children around. Please don't be stoned, you don't need extra paranoia while viewing this. And finally, get ready for a whole lot of unnecessary penis.