Exorcist 2: My God Richard Burton is bad in this!

 

"I am alive and not dead".  That was a blog I once belonged to.  It is now my mantra.  You see, my life has turned into a David Cronenberg film.  And that is not as awesome as it sounds.  For the moment, my particular body horrors have subsided, and I can return to what I truly love: watching crap horror!  I love good horror too, but nothing soothes my soul like a really, really bad horror film.  Ladies and Gentleman: I present you with Exorcist II: The Heretic!

I had never seen this gem but I heard how legendarily bad it is.  The reason I wanted to watch it is because I just finished a book called "Beautiful Ruins" by Jess Walter.  In the novel (non-horror: sometimes even I need a vacation), Richard Burton plays a small but crucial role.  In one passage, the heroine goes to see Burton in Exorcist II and comments on how drunk and bloated he is.  This, combined with the upcoming Liz & Dick on the Lifetime channel has me on a bit of a Burton tear.  I have been trying to watch Cleopatra but I can only get through about 10 minutes a day. 

I want to love Richard Burton because he was drunk and Welsh and ridiculous, but I can't get on board.  He reminds me of Gerard Butler who is drunk and Scottish and ridiculous and I also cannot get on board with him.  Like Burton, Butler is making a lot of bad movies.  He is going to really have to step up his game if he wants to reach the heights of this piece of crap.

I don't even know what is going on in this film.  Regan (Linda Blair) is now 16 and she looks a lot like Amanda Bynes (I can't wait to see Bynes play some famous, crazy starlet ala Lindsey Lohan as Liz Taylor when she sobers up for 10 minutes.)  Regan is understandably messed up after her experiences but she wears the best clothes!  Really, I couldn't find any images of her cute outfits but they really rock.  Her Shrink, played by Louise Fletcher, who always gives me the hebegebes, has pioneered some kind of "mind melt" method where she can enter peoples dreams or subconscious.  The whole thing is never really explained but anyone can do it, even Richard Burton, here playing Father Phillip Lamont, a priest and acolyte of Max von Sydow's Father Merrin.  The only thing I liked about this film, besides Blair's outfits and the general Burton bloat, was seeing von Sydow play a young Father Merrin.  Yes, I have a thing for Max von Sydow. 

Father Lamont has encountered a demon before, and believes that our old friend Pazuzu is still alive and kicking.  He wants to use Regan to find him and justify the work and death of Father Merrin.  Father Lamont might also be having a crisis of faith, since he seems to want to get it on with everyone from Regan to Louise Fletcher.  He also at one point wears a shirt that looks like it was stolen from the porno set next door.  Also, James Earl Jones shows up as an African Priest who once defeated Pazuzu.

I saw a non horror film today called The Master.  It is a very difficult film but worth the effort.  If I had to explain it to you here I might put a gun to my head.  That is how I feel explaining Exorcist II.  There is really nothing to recommend this film unless you are a:

1. Burton Completest
2. Fan of awesome 70's fashion
3. Have a crush on Max von Sydow
4. Have a crush on Louise Fletcher
5. Are Masochistic.

Really, make your life worth living.  Just watch The Exorcist again and skip this.  My gift to you. 

Hell Night 1981

 There is nothing I love more than a good old Eighties Slasher.  I almost hate to admit it, but it's the era I grew up it.  I was raised on a steady diet of all types of horror films, but it's the Slasher I return to again and again.  Since Slashers were cheap to make and popular, there are a lot of them floating around.  Most of them very, very bad.  Typically, the crappier the film, the more I like it.  I was expecting Hell Night from 1981 to be awful.  I was wrong (not the first time.)

Despite the fact that Linda Blair rocks the worst Victorian up do bun that I have ever seen throughout the film, it is actually pretty good.  A Fraternity is putting it's pledges though a hazing known as Hell Night.  The pledges have to spend the night at the Gothic Garth Manor, site a horrific murder/suicide 12 years prior.  The demented patriarch, Raymond Garth, murdered his wife and children in the Manor.  He then killed himself.  The only problem is that the Police never found Raymond's body, nor that of his youngest son, the mute Andrew.  Rumor has it, Andrew still lives in the Manor. 

Of course he does!  You know it! Actually it's a pretty good back story, well fleshed out for a cheapo Slasher.  The Fraternity only has four pledges: Marti (Blair), Jeff (Peter Barton, who is so pretty I couldn't stand it.  He looks like a male Carol Alt.  I wasn't surprised to learn he spent the rest of his career in the Soaps), Seth, and Denise are the pledges.  Yes, it is a little weird that this is a male/female Fraternity but go with it!



Luckily the Scooby Gang brought drugs and booze to get them through the night.  Before long they start hearing screams throughout the manor.  When they go to investigate they realize that members of the Fraternity have "rigged" the house to scare them.  This sounds like a pretty good Fraternity!  Sign me up.

Everything is going along very well until the kids start really dying.  I mean, they start getting their heads chopped off!  The fun and games are over when the remaining pledges must fight to stay alive from the unseen terror lurking in the house.....

Oh, there you are terror!  Wouldn't you know it, it's Andrew, and he is super pissed.  I mean, he watched his whole family die, and now he has to put up with Linda Blair's whining!  I would go on a murderous rampage too!

Hell Night looks great.  The set design is fantastic.  Andrew is really scary looking, and the Director, Tom De Simone, really knows how to build tension.  Linda Blair's character is kind of an annoying Buzz Kill, but she finally flashes her Final Girl card at the end.  I was in the mood for a "so bad it's good" Slasher and I got a "well, that's pretty good" Slasher.  Lucky for me, there are plenty of bad Slashers out there, and I am sure it won't be long before I encounter my next one.

Warning: Hell Night has no boobs in it, if that is your thing.  Linda Blair has quite an impressive rack, but that hair! Oh God, that hair!